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The Epitaph: Wrestling Made Easy
by Marcus Madison on 2001-10-29

This weeks edition of the epitaph was inspired by a group of writers who know who they are. They triggered a retrospective look at the growing age of wrestling and what you need to know and what you should know in order to survive a great wrestling debate. This column was inspired about a couple of months ago it is a satire tongue and cheek "staged" column based on those who could explain everything one does and does not need to know about wrestling in order to survive.

The Educated...

Often wrestling fans, true wrestling fans offer a very different view about the sport they love. They will educate you on every thing from who Whipper Billy Watson faced in Maple Leaf Gardens to what name did Jeff Hardy wrestle under while traveling on the independent circuit. They offer you a very detailed perspective about wrestling, one that the common spectator does not do. They base their opinions on fact, along with a timeless amount of time researching tapes. They can recount the amount of King of the Death matches Cactus Jack took part in and which matches he broke or fractured a bone in. They will be able to give you thoughts, opinions, reviews, deep emotional and reflective recaps of matches with such accuracy that it is quite frightening. They will give you statistics about how many matches and titles a particular wrestler won while in a certain organization. This remarkable skill must be commended and there efforts must be applauded. So to all these wrestling-almanac-citing "marks" I salute you...

The "different perspective"

These very educated fans also base their opinions about wrestling, with the help of meaningful information. They will be able to state to you the, "the reason Dusty Rhodes never succeeded in the WWF because he had yellow polka dots on his tights and not red". Everyone knows "red" is a motivational color that will keep the fans interested in watching him compete. They would never think that Sapphire was ever holding him back but on the contrary, that he was holding her back. They can recount story after story of conversations they personally had with Vince about the marking power of Sapphire. "Why she was never a diva, I will never know?", says unnamed writer. They will also say that Duke Drose was going to lead the company into the next millennium with his incredible drawing power a realistic character and person as a waste disposal engineer. They will also tell they were confused why such athletes such as "The Goon", and "The Ballplayer" never really were able to attain the success of Bob Holly as two sport athletes. These perspectives are important in understanding why certain decisions wrestling came to be.

Wrestling Guide for idiots..

In order to survive a wrestling arguments over a fine zinfandel or brandy their are certain facts they need to know when first taking part. 1)Jimmy Jack Funk, underrated and under appreciated that is why he was forced to wear a mask? 2)Flash Funk, held back do to years of oppression and his in ability to fit in because his ears took away fans appreciation of his in ring skill 3)The Patriot, was actually "Kurt Angle in training" that is why he wore a mask. If he revealed his identity then where would our Olympic hero be today. 4)There is no truth to the rumor that Barry Darsow also wrestled as the characters of the Black Top Bully and Smash of the tag team Demolition even if there are traces of makeup and hey in his repossessed car. 5)Jim Brunzel's fall from icon figure head and failure to regain superstar status is simply do to the fact that he was type cast as a "bee" an never fully recovered. It is a shame, a dam shame.

After reviewing these very important facts about wrestling you can see it's importance. As long as any fan has these very specific facts straight when taking part in such a profound debate their is no argument they can not win.

Wrestling Statistics made easy..

As we regain from the strain of absorbing this important information and the time spent preparing for our great debate, we recall that certain numbers and figures also need to be in place. 1)1/3 of english bread bulldogs rose with the popularity of Matilda. 2)25% of Gene Okerland's material was researched by a young intern named Lillian Garcia. 3)$10,000 was spent in the restoration of Jim Ross's backyard caused by a grease fire allegedly started by barbeque sauce. 4)Koko B. Ware was charged $19.00 per week from a local pet store for personal grooming of "frankie". 5)The sales of gels and mousses in salons dropped a quarter when fans realized that Bret Hart's hair texture could not be duplicated it, and that in fact it is just like that.

It is clear to see that these vital numbers are imperative when taking part in such great debate when wrestling is the focus in the discussion.

The headlines..

These scholars of the net will dazzle you with great turning points in wrestling history. The will state that on January 9, 1972, the late Gorilla Monsoon came slipped on a banana peel and came up with the concept of the "gorilla" character. They will recite such dates and accounts as on February 16th, 1998 Stacy Carter confirmed that the name change from "Miss Kitty" to "The Kat" was in her part do to her tireless efforts to be taken serious as an artist in the world of organized chaos.

The educated fan will make such outrageous claims such as they invented "the socko" and that originally the Rock toyed with the idea of using "croissants" instead of "pie" in his catch phrases. They will be able to state they have actual photographs in their possession of great performers such as Johnny k-9 and the showstopper himself Barry "O".

In closing, while taking part in the reaccounts of such matches, dates, headlines, statistics and facts they will be very important in your victory. Always keep in mind these people are crafty and shifty so when you do take part in these life altering discussions just remember...we the less informed are simply fans, while others know it all!!

Marcus Madison...Can you read through the madness?

You too can hear through the madness! Listen to Marcus Madison every week on Joltin Joe's Wrestling line on Starphone. (416 350-3000 ext. 2049) Long Distance charges apply

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