People have often told me the first step in dealing with a problem is to admit you have it. Right now, my soul is tormented by feelings of regret and shame. Last night, I...I...I used the term "Yummalicious" to describe a woman. I'm just coming to grips with this, but I am fighting the battle one day at a time. I need the support of all of you, and maybe I can prevent some young person out there from making the same mistake I did. Turn a negative into a positive...
A week or so ago, we had one of those midget basketball games in town, and the players took the opportunity to spread their message of don't tease. Thats very admirable. If anyone has the right to cop a bad attitude, it would be midgets, I mean how would you like it if everywhere you went there was some asshole trying to put a cowboy hat on you for comedic amusement? "Hey, ain't it funny when da little fucker's dance?" Dude, I always wanted to bang a midget woman, just to see how one of those tiny snatches looks.
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As I write this, its Oct 30th, and I guess it won't be up till Halloween day, so as a public service, I present to you with the best way to frighten trick or treaters so you will never have to spend a dime on Halloween candy again:
When the kids shout trick or treat, shout "TRICK!" And slap the one closest to you. You should see the looks on their ugly faces when you laugh and slam the door.
Maintain a conversation while falling down a lot and for no apparent reason. They won't know whats going on.
If any of them bring attractive,nubile mothers to the door, tell her to ditch the kids and come in for an adults only party. The husbands in the neighbourhood will find this funny.
When they are waiting for you to open the door, sneak around the corner and hit them with a flying tackle. While they are on the ground, yell "See ya at Xmas!" then steal their candy and go back in the house.
Begin weeping uncontrollably about your personal problems. Collapse on the ground and scream "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!".
Spray them all with the garden hose, make up an excuse about "Teaching fire safety."
Open the door, babble endlessly , refering to yourself nonstop as "The Madness" , trust me,they won't have the foggiest idea what you are talking about.
Sam Halsall: "You really are the lowest strain of bacteria in existence aren't you?"
.
Dan:"Yeah, but I'm at peace".
Trust me, you follow these simple rules, you won't ever have to worry about being bothered by anyone in your neighbourhood at Halloween again. Or any other time of year. Matter of fact, when they see they'll likely cross over to the other side of the street. Its great, they'll even put up posters all over the place when you move to a new area your unjustly evicted from your current residence. Bastards.
Dan- Somewhere,someplace, Stephanie Purtle is shaking her head asking "Why does he do this?"
