There's nothing quite as entertaining as a backyard wrestler. Or at least, watching Dan Titus take the piss out of one.
At a wrestling show about a month ago, Dan got into an argument with local backyard wrestler New Ladies' Choice. We would later learn that NLC had come to the show only after downing several beers, hence his excuse for offering only the weakest of counterarguments to Dan's verbal beatdown.
Believe it or not, I don't share the same level of revulsion most wrestling writers have toward the backyard outfits. What little of it I've seen has been reasonably entertaining, not much different from a group of neighbourhood kids getting together and playing a game of football or street hockey. I don't even mind the ones who like shredding each other's heads open with cheese graters and stuff, since I can certainly see the appeal if that's your fetish.
That said, I've been seeing some scary stuff lately on the local front. I work with some of these people during the day and they're decent guys, but someone clearly failed to mention to them that there are rules for this sort of thing. As a public service announcement, I hereby present The Rules of Backyard Wrestling.
1) Never Describe Yourself As A Wrestler
Except during shows, that is, and even then you should avoid it if at all possible. There are three reasons for this. First, it is disrespectful to actual pro wrestlers. You know, people who've trained. And no, having some ex-wrestlers giving you pointers in your yard does not constitute training. We are talking here of actual attendance at a wrestling school.
Second, it just looks dorky. Have you ever seen a three-year-old who goes around claiming to be Superman because his mother made him a cape? Same principle.
And third, it leads to problems with the general public. The current Nanaimo News Bulletin describes the FWF as a "local independent professional wrestling group". FWF is actually a backyard fed. This is exactly the sort of thing that led to a massive media backlash against wrestling some months ago, with WWF talent being made to watch backyard wrestlers doing crazy stuff and explain that no real wrestler would support this. The media already thinks wrestling fans are all idiots; the last thing we need is you reinforcing the stereotype by looking like you can't tell your fantasies from reality.
And no, you can't call yourself a sports-entertainer either.
2) Never Charge Money For Anything
When you and your friends screw around in your homemade ring, you are just some kids having fun. The instant you charge admission to your shows, you are technically promoting an illegal sporting event, and that's a headache you do not want.
Besides that, it also reeks of presumption. Remember -- and rest assured, I won't let you forget -- that you are untrained and inexperienced. You have not earned the right to charge other people to see you in action, no matter how good you may think you are, or even if your matches are actually any good.
And please don't hand me that lame excuse about it costing you money to put on these shows. Every hobby costs money, be it stamp collecting, video games, computers, comic books, or what-have-you. And make no mistake, backyard wrestling is a hobby. Not a career. Which brings us to...
3) Do Not Imagine That This Is Your Ticket To The Big Leagues
About a dozen or so professional wrestlers -- most notably Mick Foley and the Hardy Boyz -- are known to have spent a lot of time in backyard feds before they made it big. Backyard wrestlers point to these pros with alarming frequency as "proof" that their little hobby is going to get them noticed by WWF talent scouts any day now.
No.
Wrestling in your backyard is not going to get you to the WWF. It isn't even going to get you a booking from any self-respecting indy promoter. In fact, it may even hamper your chances of getting into a wrestling school, since backyarders are known to pick up a lot of bad habits which must be unlearned before they can be taught to do things properly.
Again, fantasy vs. reality. Realize that while there are a handful of ex-backyard boys in the pro leagues now, there are literally thousands who never even considered it.
4) Don't Distribute Videos To The Public
This is critical, and goes back to my first point about public relations. It's especially important for those of you who do garbage wrestling and/or highspots. Tapes of this sort of thing have a nasty habit of falling into the hands of the news and pseudo-news media.
You probably think it would be very cool to see yourself wrestling on TV. Unfortunately, when Average Joe Public sees you doing a shooting star press through a table on your lawn, he is not thinking, "Wow, is that kid ever cool!" He is thinking, "Wow, is that kid ever retarded! Where the hell are his parents?" Every tape you make is just one more bullet in the media's gun, and pro wrestling is already up against the wall.
5) No Strip Matches Involving Teenage Girls
This is even worse publicity than hardcore stuff, and may actually violate local bylaws.
6) Keep It In The Yard
How's this for something straight out of a Hollywood children's movie? Some local backyard feds are banding together and trying to rent a venue to put on a show. Jesus Holy Shit Christ! Can you imagine the promotional material for this? "You've seen their glorified trampoline act in backyards across the city! Now you can pay to sit in a freezing cold arena and watch the very best untrained wrestlers Vancouver Island has to offer!"
For God's sake, kiddies, leave it to the pros. It's bad enough to pretend you're a wrestler, but pretending you're a promoter is just degenerate.
I realize it can be fun to play at being a pro wrestler. But never, ever forget that you are doing just that: playing. This isn't the real McCoy, and you have no business pretending it is. Don't make the rest of us fans look bad, and don't take it more seriously than it deserves. Other than that, have fun.
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Well, that'll teach me to open my mouth. There I was, telling everyone how overjoyed I was that the WWF was finally treating their female talent with a modicum of dignity and respect, when we were all subjected to Trish Stratus against Stacy Keibler in a Gravy Match. The "gravy" in question actually appeared to be muddy water in a hot tub.
While we're on the subject, can everyone get off Stratus' back? For God's sake, she's the most improved wrestler, male or female, of the past five years. When she was a mere T&A show, everyone thought she was the cat's pajamas. Now that she's actually working quality matches, suddenly I'm hearing this huge collective whine from wrestling fandom. What the hell?
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So hang on a minute, here. Are all those WCW/ECW wrestlers actually gone from the WWF? Or are we just not going to see them for a while? For the first time in almost half a year, I am actually going to start looking at wrestling news sites again, if only to find out whether my dreams of a Billy Kidman vs. Rob Van Dam match are still feasable.
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It's always nice to see local wrestling talent get some good press, especially when said press is in the pages of Pro Wrestling Illustrated. Evidently, we in the Pacific Northwest are in the middle of a cruiserweight wrestling boom. I find this very exciting news, and my only real disappointment is that only one promotion ever comes out my way. A shame there can't be an interpromotional war...
