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ET CETERA - RAW is PORN? Oh hell yeah.
by Jay Spree on 2001-12-05

Hey yo, one and all. Or, since we’re in December now, that should probably be “Hey yo ho ho”.

Apologies once again for my absence last week – it’s coming up on crunch time for my coursework, and there’s an awful lot I should have done all that time I was playing Perfect Dark.

I read some dickless web-journalist’s review of Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, and I really have to take it to task. Suffice it to say, he basically just ripped the film for being a two-hour in-joke, he ragged on Smith for being a bad writer and director, and concluded that everyone who enjoyed it is just a mindless netgeek who marks out for Kevin Smith.

If I wanted to, I could point out that EVERY Kevin Smith film is a two-hour in-joke. I could also point out the fact that everyone knows that Smith can’t direct, although if you were citing one of his films for poor direction, this certainly wouldn’t qualify as the directing is pretty good. And, at the risk of sounding like a Smith fanboy, most people wouldn’t notice bad directing in any other film, but the fact that it’s a Smith picture gives them something else to slag off. I could even make mention of the fact that, for all his many faults, saying that Smith is a bad writer is a very, very stupid thing to say.

But I won’t cite any of that. Why? One simple word: “Dogman”. This so-called “film critic”, in cataloguing the entire View Askew library, makes mention of Smith’s controversial film about Catholicism, “Dogman”.

And I thought Tommy Fierro was an asshole. Maybe it’s a pseudonym. On with the show (and by the way, I’m typing with two of my typing fingers taped, so excuse any mistakes)…

RAW is PORN. And…?

Firstly, let’s just put things in perspective.

Two weeks ago, the major concerns about the WWF were that they had no creative direction, TV was flat-out boring, and the biggest angle in the history of anything ever had fallen flat on its ass.

Today, all we’re worrying about is Vince playing out his latent and repressed homosexual desires. I’d say that’s a pretty good trade.

RAW has gone back to the Attitude/neo-Russo school of booking. Aside from a timely return of “Suck It” (or “SOL”, if Sean O’Hare hadn’t been sent to Ohio and Palumbo ever got to see a camera lens), we’re heading back towards the tasteless, if not necessarily “edgy”, TV that everyone fell in love with five years ago. What did that bring us? Huge ratings, monster buyrates, must-see programming…and the ability to wear a wrestling t-shirt down to the grocery store without getting beat up.

So why the hell is everyone complaining?

Beats me. I’ve been waiting for this since they killed the Road Dogg’s gimmick by banning words like “ass”. Jesus Christ, the PTC are out of commission, and trying to counter all the sponsors abandoning ship by “cleaning up” the show really wasn’t working anyway.

Phuckk ‘em.

Sure, people kissing Vince’s ass is distasteful and disturbing, but so was the Big Show coffin-surfing at his dad’s funeral, Al Snow eating Pepper, Stone Cold getting crucified…and hell, I thought it was all great. If you don’t like sportz entertainment, you may as well stop pretending you’re a wrestling fan.

WRESTLING PURITY IS DEAD, PEOPLE.

You can’t hide behind that excuse any more. “Waaa, waaa, I want forty-minute matches.” Ain’t gonna happen. “What happened to WRESTLING?” It’s dead, I told you. “Sportz entertainment is bullsh!t.” Then turn off the TV and kiss the glory days goodbye, ‘cause that sh!t is gone, for one simple reason: WRESTLING, the pure and simple stuff that most smarks jerk off over, DOESN’T DRAW. Don’t you remember ECW? That core, 1.0 portion of the audience will always be there, will always buy the PPV, and will always watch, no matter what. We’re here, always have been and always will be, so WE DON’T MATTER. Vince doesn’t give a sh!t about us, and that’s why he doesn’t cater to our needs – that’s why he doesn’t book for us. Look at Russo and Heyman, they booked everything around us (well, you know what I mean), and see where that got them.

What matters are the marks. The casual fans, who grab the shirttails of whatever happens to be cool, for however long or short the ride, are the ones that Vince needs to make happy. And you know what? Casual fans don’t give a sh!t about the heritage of the WCW title, or about thirty-minute, four-star Rock-Jericho classics.

That’s the way the chocolate bar tastes when you take it out of the wrapping.

What matters to marks is the shiny, shiny paper that surrounds the delicious chocolate, and they don’t give two craps about a candy bar that tastes great – they want the fizzle and sizzle of flashy marketing and intrigue. You’ve gotta remember that wrestling – the actual, in-ring wrestling – is what people perceive as sad and “Oh, you watch that sh!t?”. It’s watching the pitifully acted, tasteless sportz entertainment segments that legitimises their interest in “That wrestling sh!t.”

It’s no mystery why people don’t give a crap about transitions and pacing and only pop for highspots – because at the very root of it, they just aren’t interested in the in-ring product. To them that’s the dressing to what they really want to see, the backstage stuff. So don’t act all surprised when they refuse to pop for twenty minutes of headlocks instead of a senton and a powerbomb, because we – the 1.0 percentile – are the only ones who really want to see that.

Wow, that looks strangely like a tangent to me. But you get the jist – this direction is what the business needs. And hell, I know I sure as hell missed it – better tasteless direction than no direction at all, right?

And before I go, I have to take issue with the Keithster on the Jerry Lawler situation, for the very same reasons as above. To every smart mark, Heyman was a refreshing change of pace. Be it his enlightened perspective on angles, workrate and the business, or his thinly-veiled shoot comments at JR, we all loved what he brought to the table. What he DIDN’T bring to the table, though, was Christmas cracker style one liners and catchphrases like “Puppies”. See, Lawler appeals to the tastes of the entire casual fan makeup that has been eroding over the last six months. Heyman serves our demographic’s sensibilities, and that’s why he was bad for business.

So I agree that Heyman was a welcome change of pace in the colour box, but I certainly wouldn’t say that his departure is bad for the product – if the WWF ever hopes to get back to those 6s and 7s they were pulling not all that long ago, they need to start from the ground up. And, like it or not, it pretty much begins with Lawler. Year-in, year-out, whoever’s on the card, it’s still two guys pretending to hit each other – what really defines the product to the uneducated eye is who is calling the action and how they are doing it.

No doubt I’ve pissed off a lot of people here today. Why not email me and tell me how mad you are? It’s fun!

Peace. J$

Assholes setting fire to themselves in their back yards deserve to get hurt. Why does everyone make such a big deal out of this?……Man, Scott Steiner stayed big in his time off. There must be a killing to be made in mail order steroids……Congratulations, Davey. You're an inspiration to wifebeaters the world over……Nice to see Vader back in the US. Too bad Vince made him look like a soft pussy and killed any hope of WWF success……I wonder if they’ll give Randy Orton the cowboy gimmick. “Here you go Double J, a cowboy hat and a guitar – go make ol’ Jerry proud.” “Actually Vince, Jerry Jarrett’s not my dad – I’m Randy Orton. Bob was my dad.” “Oh really? You ever seen a billionaire’s brown eye, son?”……Oh man, Stacy Kiebler is so phuckk’n hot. It just needed to be said……Hopefully Mike’ll use those fourteen months to regrow that mullet. I’ve got this whole Samson theory that applies to a select few wrestlers – Scott Hall, Eddie Guerrero, Mike Awesome – and when they lose the mullet, they lose their power. Besides, it’s instant heat – remember “Awe-some mul-let (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)”?……I love the way TAKA keeps getting time off for his shoulder “injury” to go to Japan and Puerto Rico and work some shows. I hear that Vince is like, “What the phuck?” and TAKA just says “I have to fly halfway round the world to go over someone. Who’s really getting screwed here?”……Tajiri just says “Sucky sucky in the limo” and works things out that way……ECW in-jokes are EXTREME……Oh man, Ross is pushing the BBQ sauce again……This week’s Bagwellism comes courtesy of Ernest “The Twat” Miller on his Get In The Ring appearance. His AOL deal is up in January, then he can begin talks with VINCE McMAHON HIMSELF. As for the ass-kissing deal, it’d depend on what the WWF pays him. Ernest, Jack’s left town, buddy. He also claims that the fact that he taught Bischoff’s kids karate had nothing to do with his getting a job in WCW. Well, duh – it was natural wrestling ability……Conversely, there’s Triple H’s recent comments on Montral: “I couldn't believe going into the match earlier in the day that we were going to do what people were telling me was supposed to happen…Vince did what he did for everybody that works for him, not just for him of for anybody else. I thought the people who didn't want to show up the next day didn't get it, don't understand the business.” God, I can’t wait to see what he does to the locker room when he gets back……Y’know, if RF Video just run a few individual shows instead of trying to create the illusion of coherence and without using the dreaded word “promotion”, they might just get away with it……Superstar Billy Graham’s in the new Accliam game? Man, I’m THERE……According to Maxx Payne, Beyond The Mat and Shadows beater “The Thing That Should Not Be” should hit video and DVD in January/February. Hopefully, Maxx will come up with a better name between now and then……Hey, THAT’S where George Lucas got the idea from……Nintendo’s been selling TWENTY-SEVEN GameCubes PER MINUTE, NONSTOP, since November 18th. Don’t forget those 93,000 seats they sold out at WrestleMania, too……Wow, XWF’s running house shows……Wow, Josh form Tough Enough’s working for them……Wow, nobody cares about either of those things……Of all the cities in the United States, MILWAUKEE has the best catering? Jeez……RIP Ed Whalen……Dave Meltzer……Dave Meltzer……Dave Mel……


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Quotes from the boys: Moondog Manson says "After a long hard thought about what I wanted to do, I realized retirement isn't what I wanted. Why would I give these knuckleheads the satisfaction of retirement when I can terrorize them ten fold in the ring.".
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