Ahhhh. You hear that, my friends? That is the sound of inevitability…
Actually, that’s not what I was going to say – I was going to say “that is the sound of vindication”, but I’ve just got round to watching the Matrix Revisited… and the illusion of what a cool actor Hugo Weaving is was shattered in an instant. Who’d of thought the all-powerful agent Smith was the same annoying prick from Priscilla Queen of the Desert? First Southern Justice, now this – I ain’t marking out for guys in suits any more.
Anyway, before I got distracted, I was going to tell you how vindicated I am, now that I have regained my position atop the mountain of independent DVD websites. Yes, SmarkDVD is BACK, and so is your DVD newscapper Jay Spree. Head the hell on over there PRONTO to see if you think I’m capable of anything vaguely coherent that isn’t wrestling-related. And if you like my stuff there, it wouldn’t hurt to bombard Scott with a few hundred emails telling him what a valuable asset to the site I am…
Now, down to serious bidness. Last week, I received a number of emails taking me to task over the issue of my girlfriend’s red-hottness. Well here you are, YOU DIRTY BASTARDS, this is my red-hott, piece of ass girlfriend:
Now, my HTML skills are pretty wank, so there’s a distinct possibility that, rather than a picture of my beloved, the only thing you’ll actually over there is a border outline and a little white box in the corner with a red cross in it. But fear not, ‘cause if that picture doesn’t work, you can just click HERE
and be taken straight to a copy of the pic.
So there you have it. My love – ahhhhhhhhh. Gotta LOVE that red hair (yes, it IS real, BTW).
Okay, that’s all that stuff out of the way. Time to hit the content, you disbelieving sacks of horse sh!t.
Boss, look! Look Boss! The business! She facked!
If you actually sober up for a second and take a look at what we still misguidedly refer to as “the wrestling business”, you’ll see it’s in a pretty piss poor sorry state.
The WWF… well, it’s just crap isn’t it. Let’s face it, they’ve managed to bollocks up EVERYTHING recently. Christ, Stephanie’s already back on TV what, less than a month after she’s supposed to be GONE? FOR GOOD? I mean, she’s hot as all hell, but we’ve all got more than enough .jpgs to keep us happy – enough already (besides, .jpgs don’t have the irritating voice).
Look at the craters where WCW and ECW once stood. Now granted, I was never the world’s biggest WCW fan, but apparently there are about two million people who were – and they think “the wrestling business” blows so bad they don’t even watch it at all any more. And say what you will (or won’t) about ECW, but they were largely the driving force behind the last wrestling boom. Sure, the 1.0 they pulled was purely the hardcore, internet-smart audience, but it was their ideas that WCW and the WWF stole to go global. Now JR’s got Paul E so buried in BBQ sauce and Oklahoma deer sh!t he can’t even do what he loves (or what he’s best at) any more.
And it’s not just the States – take a peek across the pond to the Mecca of wrestling (as in, real honest-to-goodness WRESTLING) and things are just as bad. All Japan is about done except for the women’s division. New Japan are still there, but Christ knows how long it’s been since they got a show to capacity without papering half the seats. And they’re systematically going from promotion to promotion to exploit the cross-promotion gimmick, which is probably the only thing that’s holding them up. The angle with All Japan is dead, NOAH hasn’t got enough healthy guys left to work, and what the hell does anyone care about Hashimoto?
AND FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, THEY SENT A WRESTLER WHO HAS ONLY EVER WON WORKED MATCHES TO FACE A LEGIT SHOOT FIGHTER, AND HE GOT DESTROYED IN 25 SECONDS. TWENTY-FIVE PHUCKK’N SECONDS!
Thinking about it, It’s strange how much NOAH is starting to look like All Japan. Everyone’s hurt – certainly, the two young guys who were the future of the company are out (Kobashi’s still trying to learn how to make his knees and elbows move and Akiyama’s messed up his shoulder). Misawa’s older than dirt and can’t get the job done, and even if Vader was healthy (which of course he isn’t), he’s at least five years overdue anyway – what the hell can he do? Things are so bad they’re waiting for Scorpio – SCORPIO, 2 COLD PHUCKK’N SCORPIO – to pick up the slack. Still, at least they’re giving Mike Modest some work, and nobody deserves it more.
Back this side of the water (well, sort of), first there’s the WWA, who of course had their PPV on Sunday.
I’m not sure. Yes, it provides an alternative to the WWF product, and yes, it may attract some of the two million ex-WCW viewers that were lost. But I doubt it. Yes, the show was very well put together, and yes, it WAS their first time. But I haven’t seen a buyrate yet, and I’m predicting that when I do, it will be abysmal. Jesus Christ, the WWF can hardly convince people to shell out cash for a PPV these days, and at least you KNOW what you’re getting with their stuff. How many people do you know – do you REALLY know – that would throw away a twenty just out of curiosity? I don’t know many eight year-olds that will. I know I sure as hell wouldn’t, and I’m BIG INTO this stuff. But let’s say that everybody DID tune in and bought the first show. What did they see? Road Dog(/g), Kon(/n)an, Jeff Jarrett, Bret Hart – a bunch of washed-up guys, has-beens, and second-rate stars. There’s a REASON these guys don’t have real jobs in the business, and they’re expected to draw? Jesus, Jarrett never drew sh!t in WCW no matter how hard they rammed him down our throats. And if WCW’s taught us anything, it’s that even if the WWA does capture that lost two million viewers (which will NEVER happen), that just isn’t enough to keep a company afloat.
Then there’s the XWF, or whoever the hell they are. They’ve been prick-teasing this mythical TV-deal for months now, and still nothing. Remember the last few guys who did that? Heyman. Collins. Savage. And where are their wrestling promotions now? Two bust, one never materialised. Don’t get me wrong, I’d be pleased as punch if either of these two companies succeed – hell, I WANT more wrestling (and I want to see Dawn Marie back on my TV), but I think we need to cut through all the bullsh!t and start seeing the trees for a change. I’m reserving jugement on Mikey and Harry Slash’s new promotion, if only to spare their feelings. Now really sin’t the best time to be starting an indy fed…
So what’s next?
Who the hell knows. The WWF doesn’t, that’s for damn sure. They’ve already destroyed their own market, and now they’re still planning to split the company in two? WEREN’T THEY WATCHING THE ALLIANCE ANGLE THEY BOOKED? Jesus. Maybe it’s too soon to say it (until Smack!Down, at least), but I don’t think they even know what the hell to do with Triple H. Bet your ass that Jericho is sh!tting his spandex now Hunter’s back, and he’ll be holding those belts of his tight under his arms when he goes to take a dump. And what the hell’s gonna happen when Nash gets there? If the universe itself doesn’t implode when the political power of Nash and Triple H collide, what about all these other poor assholes who ran away from WCW all those years ago to get away from this sh!t? Jericho and Benoit can kiss their spots goodbye, and I know Taker’s not gonna be happy about it either. I can’t imagine Rock and Austin being thrilled, but they always get theirs so hey. Maybe the biggest problems will erupt when Steiner finally arrives, then he and Hunter’ll be fighting over the needles every Monday and Tuesday night.
Wow, another rant. I do apologise for not coming up with anything that may actually be of interest to others, but dammit – this is MY soapbox, and every now and then I just need to get up on it and vent. Maybe I’m just pissed that I’m gonna have to pay for my first PPV at the end of the month. YOU BASTARDS SKY – MAY THERE BE A SPECIAL, EXTRA-WARM PLACE IN HELL FOR YOU SH!T-EATING BASTARDS. Ahem.
Don’t forget to check out TheSmarks every Monday – scroll down to SmarkDVD and look for my name. I should have a review of Game of Death up next week too, for any hardcore Bruce fans who know what things like “72 version”, “Bey Logan” and “Artport” mean.
Til then take it easy, and I’ll see you in seven.
HOORAY! The afterthoughts are back! Actually, one of my fearless readers (can’t remember who exactly – drop me a line and I’ll give you a cheap pop next week) likes to call it “Code Blue”, so that is how it shall henceforth be referred……Eat a dick, Mark Madden……No Mark, no! I didn’t mean it LITERALLY. Aww, get outta my pants……Jake Roberts is booked for a bunch of UK dates in February. Shame on you if you actually bought a ticket for any of them……And speaking of “Jake” and “book”, haven’t heard much about that lately, have we? Shame……Howard Brody has resigned, but I’m sure we’ll all get over it……There, all done. NEXT……Triple H on Howard Stern was SHEER CLASS. I love Stern, he just doesn’t give a sh!t. Think about it, we all talk smack about Hunter from the safety of our keyboards, but he’s a BIG bad bastard who’d probably go into a roid rage in a second if he ever saw any of us, and there’s Howard telling him how he used to shag someone who used to be a man, and how he always did her up the ass, straight up telling him “that’s as close to gay as it gets”. I know I sure as hell wouldn’t talk to Mr Levesque like that, no siree……Then there was the Booker T thing. Oh man, Booker – you can’t help it if you’re thick as pigsh!t that’s been left in the sun, but damn, if you could only keep your mouth shut, you wouldn’t get any of these problems……“Rob has VD”. Great sign. How about we change the chant from “R-V-D! R-V-D!” to “Arrrrgh! VD! Arrrrrgh! VD!”……Snoogins……To me, Angle was the best part of RAW……What was up with the commentary being played over the arena sound system at the WWA show?……I told you New Yorkers were still pricks. I mean, come on, it’s NEW YORK for phuckk sake, and they’re doing the “WHAT?” bit after every line of the national anthem? Pricks……It was nice of them to break out the ECW chants after Tazz and Spike won the straps, though……Interesting story on 1Wrestling about the guy who got approached by three security people and nearly got kicked out of the Garden because of his Kevin Nash sign. Y’know, as soon as Nash debuts, everyone should start taking Scott Hall cutouts with them to RAW……Okay, so who are the odds on favourite “Easter Eggs” for the Rumble this year? My money’s on the man they call Gillberg. Or maybe the Warrior. Or Giant Gonzales. I doubt Honky Tonk’ll be back, but I’m guessing a bunch of Alliance guys might be. Y’know, since it wouldn’t hurt to at least put them on TV if you’re going to try and build half a company round them…….Oh no, I’ve just had a terrible, terrible thought: BUFF BAGWELL……Oh wait, just read that Mr Perfect’s and Goldust are gonna be entering. Hey, maybe Hennig’ll do the country music gimmick. The show’s in Atlanta dammit – they’d pop HUGE for that!……Looks like breakaway dunks aren’t the only thing Mike can’t get up lately……Sorry, that was cheap. You know I’m 23 all the way……Vince Russo……Vince Russo……Vince Rus……