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Want some candy,little girl?
by Dan Titus on 2002-01-11

Ya know, maybe I've watched too many Oliver Stone films, or it's indigestion,or perhaps even the impending return of El Nino (No,dumbass wrestling fan, thats not a luchadore, El Ninos are associated with increased rainfall across the east-central and eastern Pacific and with drier than normal conditions over northern Australia, Indonesia and the Philippines.)but I truly believe I am at the centre of an international conspiracy, involving Vince Mcmahon, President G.W. Bush and possibly even Elvis.

I am talking about the impending return of Kevin Nash.

If you believe some of the more respected wrestling sites, Nash is set to make his return any day now. Uh...Why? Nash,in my mind is only good for a short term pick up in the ratings, coupled with the fact that he was considered a divisive influence in the locker room the first time around. He's also a man in his forties with bad knees who has taken almost an entire year off after Vince aquired WCW. Are you going to tell me he's spent all that time striving to improve his ring work? Ha! Yeah, an entire year of staying at home collecting a huge paycheque for no activity at all is going to do wonders for an already notoriously suspect work ethic.

Is Nash going to be anymore willing to play ball this time around? One can only imagine a meeting between Vince Mcmahon and a reformed Kliq.

Vince: Alright Kevin, I would like you to put The Rock over cleanly in tonights main event. I trust you won't have any dilemma with this?

Nash: Well, Vinnie, I've decided it just won't work for tonight,reason being, I've decided that this whole moving thing isn't really what I wanna do tonight.

HHH:Vince,ahhhh, I,ahhhhhhh, gotta, agree,ahhhhh,with Kevin,ahhhhhhh.

Vince:Who's running things here,pal, me or you?

Everyone but Vince laughs.

Scott Hall: BurrrrrrrrrrrpHey Vish, you can't ma,ma,make Big Kevin Sexy not do nothing he doesn't not want to do...OH MY GOD IS THAT ANTHRAX ON THE FLOOR???

HHH: Scott.thats, ahhhhhhh the cocaine you,ahhhh spilled earlier.

Scott hits the floor,straw in hand.

Xpac enters the room.

Xpac: Guys, I've finally found a way to get myslef over again, it kinda cashes in on the current patriotic fervor(Xpac begins doing his trademark crothchops while chanting "God bless America).

Vince: Kevin, these guys are not helping, now will you put the Rock over tonight or not?

Nash: Vince, my back has gone out again, and I really don't need the added strain...

Stephanie enters the room.

Steph: "Dad, I am very upset, I only got 55 minutes of TV time on Raw last night, and we all know the viewers love me,so I came up with an idea: Each corner of the screen will be devoted to a Mcmahon,that way viewers never lose sight of us during the match thingies. That way, The viewers get a full two hour Mcmahon fix.Aren't I smart?

Vince: What else can go wrong? It's Murphy's goddamn law, so whatever albatross around my neck is at the plate next, come on, take Vince on!C'mon!

Nash, Hall,Xpac,and Stephanie: Shawn! Welcome back,buddy!

Vince: I need a drink. And an aspirin. Christ.

But other than all that,things should work out just fine.

Goldust in the Royal Rumble? I like it. The original heel Goldust was one of my favorites. I can remember my dad looking like he was going to be ill when Goldust administering mouth-to-mouth to an unconscious Ahmed Johnson. It was a character you either loved or hated. The sad thing was, they ruined it by way too many face/heel turns. It made it difficult to develop long term interest in the character. Same thing with Doink, great as the "Evil Clown",but once he went face,it was all over for him.I remember the line that turned Goldust into a face, during an interview with Jerry Lawler: "Wait a minute Goldust, aren't you...queer?" Leading to GD attacking the King. It made little sense, Goldust had been flirting with male wrestlers for months, why would he be upset over the accusation? Sheesh. I gotta do all the thinking around here. Sadly,this is a one time appearance, based on what I've read.

I tuned into Smackdown last night to see Rikishi give the stinkface to Booker T, who subsequently lost his lunch all over Michael Cole. Between this and the Regal/Big Show angle last month, its good to see the WWF has evolved into a place where people can barf and pee all over each other with impunity. Speaking of which, where is Ray Brooks booked next? I'm guessing the next step in the feud between Trish and Terri is going to be a bukkake contest in the back. I don't care as long as it keeps Terri out of the ring.

As noted on the forum, we said goodbye to Wendy's founder and President Dave Thomas this week, after a long battle with liver cancer. Or so we are told. I know the truth. That bastard Jared from the Subway ads called Dave, preaching concern over the amount of fat in a Wendys burger, but he had far more sinister intentions. Little did Dave know,he was walking into Jared's perverted Circus Of Anal Death. That son of a bitch killed Dave in the saddest, most ironic way possible. He sodimized him with on of those world famous square Wendy's burgers. YOU CAN RUN,BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE YOU SPHINCTER SLAMMING ANGEL OF DEATH! People think they can just write me off as some lunatic moron, but I know the truth, and if I have to shout it from the roof tops I will.Now Satan's favorite pitchman has recruited a fireman for his commercials. He does this because no one would dare say anything bad about a fireman right now, but I say : Clay Henry,be careful, he'll say he's your friend, but he'll invade your poop hatch too! I was too late to warn Dave about the bunghole horror he endured, and I will take that to my grave, but I will use the power of this column to save others. Jared looks benign, and slackjawed in a Jeff Ranger sort of way, but Jared is evil, and he must be destroyed.

Dan-Determined to send Jared a one way ticket back to hell. Or Surrey,BC. Same idea.

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Quotes from the boys: Moondog Manson says "After a long hard thought about what I wanted to do, I realized retirement isn't what I wanted. Why would I give these knuckleheads the satisfaction of retirement when I can terrorize them ten fold in the ring.".
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