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The World's Greatest Royal Rumble Preview
by drqshadow on 2002-01-20

The World's Greatest Royal Rumble Preview

drq: Comin' at ya more reliably than those Castrol Syntex commercials in the middle of RAW, it's time for the World's Greatest preview team to rear back, juice up those salival glands, and take a big bite out of this month's WWF Royal Rumble event. As always, this cake-assed bitch is brought to you by Dave "Dirty Sanchez" Spinosa and myself, drqshadow... but you can just call me by my club name; "goldenloins."

Still reeling from the drop suffered in the last half of 2001, the WWF could have very easily just stumbled into this year's Royal Rumble with their hands thrown up in the air. With the main event dictated by the name of the PPV, half the work would have been done for them, and they could have directed their entire attention toward the supporting matches earlier on the card. Instead, somebody lit a fire under the creative team's collective asses, and this year's Rumble is shaping up to be the most important in years. With HHH and Steve Austin heading a brawl that includes 90% of the main event roster, it's never been more difficult to choose a winner. But that's not to say the push the Rumble is receiving has in any way detracted from the undercard.. but I'm on the verge of flowing my commentary through into the first match already. Dave, were you about to say something...?

Dave: Yeah Goldenloins...I was...but after finding out your club name, I don't think you would be the best person to discuss the hotness of Trish with. :)

So..the ROYAL RUMBLE (with cheese) is upon us and they sure have pushed the every-loving hell out of this show..that's for damn sure. AND..AND..AND!! We get the return of the Godfather. To quote Stimpy, "Oh Joy." So yeah, this is shaping up to be quite an interesting show and I like the fact that the WWF gave us the hard sell...it means they realize that this show is important, and gosh darn it, we should too. The Royal Rumble is the main event..and what a main event it could be. HHH, Austin, Angle, Booker T, Boss Man..egad. Sorry about the Boss Man reference but you get the picture. This show should rock monkey balls in Burma. So let's roll and get down to da business at hand. Word yo.

Women's Championship
Jazz vs. Trish Stratus


Dave: YEAH! God damn it..I don't think this has been discussed enough but JUST HOW DAMN UGLY is Jazz. She looks like someone sliced the upper part of her forehead off at a real bad angle and replaced it with..well nothing actually. God she is SO busted. But then again, she can wrestle I suppose. I mean this isn't Arison here so I must compare to what the WWF offers. So in that regard, she is good. Not good looking though...what a dog. And yeah Trish is your Woman's Champion and she supposively holds a wrestling title..and since she is the farthest thing from a wrestler, wouldn't it be befitting to put that title on a wrestler? Yes it would and it shall be done! VIOLA! Your new woman's champ is a frothing reekazoid but all in all, who cares?

Winner: Jazz (with her new HARD ROCK music instead of her CD 101.9 jazz crap)

drq: Despite all the hell I've given this division in the past, throughout its baker's dozen relaunches, I can't help but admit it... business has indeed been picking up. I sure as hell don't think Trish should be the champion, but at least we're still getting the kind of well-booked, well-wrestled matches that gave the division new life last summer. Hey, Jackie and Jazz actually gave us something of a well fought matchup this past Monday night, even though it was way too short to be worth much of anything in the aftermath. And, with Chyna safely removed from the WWF's extended family, Jazz is playing the part of the super-physical monster as well as anyone's ever done before. With those brutal DDTs, that violent winning streak and the air about her to make it believable, Jazz could be going places in a hurry. She won't be able to do much with Trish this Sunday Night, but at the very least it isn't another lingerie match, with the gold at stake. I can watch this one without the threat of my girlfriend walking out of the room angry. Jazz deserves the win, but I get the feeling Trish is the centerpiece of the division right now, and can't afford to lose.
Winner: Trish Stratus

Tag Team Championship
Dudley Boyz vs. Tazz & Spike Dudley


Dave: Lemme say this right now, Spike Dudley is out of his damn mind and needs to be watched closely. Did you see that 3-D on Smackdown? Ouch huh? Well, just for that he's cool in my book. And then there is Taz and leave off the last Z for Zilch...which is how much he's done since he came to the WWF. Of course, it's not like people used to pop crazy for him now is it? I mean it's not like they pushed him one day, jobbed him the next now is it? I mean hell, it's not like he turned 1000 times in a year now is it? Nah, no reason why he hasn't done anything. No one is to blame for Tazz's lack of success but himself. Remember that all you short people out there..it's your fault!

So yeah, they got the titles NOW but I just can't see them holding on to them much longer than this Sunday. Sure the Dudley's are as stale as Mark showing everyone his stupid kitten pictures when an arguement starts :). But hey..the Dudleyz are big and stuff and they got STACY..who is damn fine without breast implants by the way. So, it's back to business as the world turns in Dudleyville. Winners: The Dudley Boyz

drq: A surprisingly interesting title matchup. Spike's been absolutely worthless since he parted ways with Molly, taking a few incredible bumps without a purpose and just sort of treading water for months. Teaming with Tazz, another superstar who never hit the high water mark everyone expected he would, seems almost natural. Winning the Tag Team titles was simply unthinkable. Now that they have, however, what we've got is a great little match between four of the most notable ECW alumni still working on television. I really hope this one's given the time and freedom to become what it has the chance to be later tonight. As for a winner, I've got to go with the Dudley Boyz. They've been too intimidating, too dominant these last few months to lose the gold just that easily.

Winners: The Dudley Boyz

Intercontinental Championship
Edge vs. William Regal


Dave: BOOOOO!!!!! Nope, I don't like it. Not at all. I mean yeah, this fued blows and it's not for a lack of effort on the wrestler's part. This program fell by the wayside because of all the hype thrown at the Royal Rumble. BUT YES! EDGE IS NOW A RAVING MADMAN! SEE HIM SWING CHAIRS ON SMACKDOWN! SEE HIM BE YOUR HERO! Blah..

Now, alot of people diss on Regal's work and say he sucks...but I say he has no one to work with that can adapt to the style he uses. And he's awesome with his facials and stuff like that. But hey..what the hell does that have to do with anything in the WWF right? Alot..lol

Fan: "HEY EDGE! NICE POP! Hey, it's gone! Where did it go?" Edge: "My music stopped.

That pretty much sums up the deal on Edge. Cool entrance music and then..nothing.

I don't know dudes and dudettes, this angle does nothing for me and the Regal Brass Knux gimmick could be so awesome if done correctly. This will be cool I guess, I'm sure the crowd will be dead as hell as usual for anything else besides the main event.

But hey, maybe that's like..you know..a sign that maybe we aren't happy with this.
Winner: Steven Regal

drq: Two guys who have been treading water for about the last six months, with no real end in sight. Edge's character just went totally flat after his quiet feud with Christian ended, and Regal's been in freefall since his turn the day after Summerslam was instantly negated by a nonsensical Kurt Angle about-face. That, and Regal's entrance theme really sucks... it's tough to make any sorts of improvements when you're already a step behind on your way to the ring, the result of poor music selection. And in addition to their individual troubles, these two have already given us a largely forgettable match in the recent past. Perhaps now, with a little more motivation behind their actions, the emotion will be a little higher and the final product a step up, but will even that be enough to recover what's likely the lowest profile match of the night? Both these guys need a tremendous shot in the arm, but it ain't gonna come in a match with one another. Regal uses the brass knucks and gains the gold through a back door, and both men move on.
Winner: William Regal

Street Fight
Ric Flair vs. Vince McMahon


Dave: The NATURE BOY! WOO! Finally, someone I give a crap about has come back to whatever town they are in tonight. (Sorry Rock..). Oh yeah, we are in Atlanta, GA. Home of WCW. Home of a lot of great things Ric Flair did. Perfect opportunity for Vince to make him look like an ass huh?

I am so hyped for this match..just to see Ric stylin' and profilin' and all will be dope as hell...say word! Ric Flair can no longer carry a broomstick to a 5 star match but I think he can drag Vince to something watchable. That's why it was made a street fight..let the weapons and the blood hide the weaknesses. I also cannot wait to see McMahon bled like a pig selling for the Nature Boy woo!

The return of the Nature Boy in Atlanta! Woo! HE WINS! VINCE STILL LOOKS GOOD! Of course that is what will happen. Flair will go over here and tommorrow night, in the Carolinas..he will get destroyed JUST LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES. Woo! Yep..

This is a pretty important match actually because it appears that whatever happens here..it will be the catalyst to get the split rolling. Also, this should be a fun little match as well and it will interesting to see what ring shape Flair is in.

BTW...I can totally see Vince booking himself to go over here but I am hoping against hope that he don't. So just like Vince, I look good either way now :)
Winner: Ric Flair

drq: Well, you knew it was coming when Flair first returned to the federation... but I don't think anyone really thought it would happen this soon. The Nature Boy will be back between the ropes in an active role this Sunday Night, facing off against his business partner of what... a month? Anyone else feeling a mite rushed? The tension between these two have been quality, hyping the match without sacrificing the legend of Flair nor the untouchable character of McMahon. Remember when WCW tried this same thing near its end, with the Flair vs. Russo angle? Not only did it completely humiliate and detract from what makes Ric so great, but it had little to no payoff, and Vince Russo's character was ultimately sacrificed when he put himself over a 15 time World Champion. Sure, there are times when i dearly miss WCW, but this is not one of them. It should be interesting to see how this one plays out... how much time they spend in the ring, what sort of wardrobe Flair wears in action... how many faces you can name during the inevitable run-ins. Still, you're fooling yourself if you think this is going to end here and now. Flair / McMahon has the potential to grow some enormous legs, and I get the feeling we're only looking at chapter one right now. Even though John C's famous "humiliated on RAW = a win on PPV" formula points directly to Ric Flair in this situation, I'm gonna go with the Poppa McMahon anyway. It makes the most sense to continue the chase here, running with the fans all the way to Wrestlemania.
Winner: Vince McMahon

Undisputed World Wrestling Federation Championship
The Rock vs. Chris Jericho


Dave: Awesome. On Smackdown, Chris Jericho cut the best promo of his career and made the Rock's look bitch-like in the process. Jericho has felt it as of late and it's no surprise because he was always this good, but he just hadn't had the opportunity to show it. The Rock is the Rock and the Rock bores me but it's ok because he has good matches and doesn't suck.

So, what to say about the title reign of Jericho? Bland? Sure at some spots (i.e. when RVD was involved). Overlooked? Just like the man said, he's the most overlooked Champ of all time. Inspired? YES. The second they focused on the Rock/Jericho story again, gold was struck.

THIS MATCH SHOULD ROCK. These guys has the match of the year last year until the last 3 minutes of it. If they keep shitty finishes away from this match, it should be great stuff. But alas, does Vince have the confidence in Jericho to have in main event Wrestlemania? I say no..but it really doesn't matter because they can always take the belt of Jericho before then..and in case you haven't guessed it, I'm going with Y2J here. The fact that everyone and their mamma thinks Jericho can't win is just the reason why he will win.
Winner: Chris Jericho

drq: This is quickly becoming the real breakthrough feud of the "season" between Summerslam and Wrestlemania. From that unforgettable parting of ways on RAW so many months ago to this past Thursday's superb vocal confrontation on Smackdown, these two have really lined every step of the way with gold and diamonds. Their promos have always been on target, and in the ring? Rocky / Jericho has already proven to be well worth our time in the recent past, and now that Jericho's in head-on heel mode, things will just be that much more electric when they start exchanging rights and lefts at the ten minute mark. Though he's been playing the real pussy lately, I'd imagine Jericho will shift his role to a more competitive champion after things have warmed up here, because otherwise it's just gonna be one long squash match. And, in the same vein as my prediction for a Steve Austin / Kurt Angle main event at last year's Wrestlemania, I'm gonna go out on a thin, thin limb this year and predict Chris Jericho is gonna hold the gold walking into the big Toronto event this March. If Rocky wins the gold, Y2J will recapture it within the next couple weeks. Regardless, my money's on the Canadian.
Winner: Chris Jericho

Royal Rumble Match
(featuring Stone Cold Steve Austin, Undertaker, Triple H, Kurt Angle, Big Show, Kane, Mr. Perfect, Goldust, Godfather, Val Venis, Booker T, Rob Van Dam, Test, Rikishi, Scotty 2 Hotty, Albert, Christian, Lance Storm, Faarooq, Bradshaw, Chuck, Billy, the Hurricane and more...)


Dave: Well, this is probably going to go down as one of the best Rumbles of all time. The build was great, the heat is there and the story is there. There would of been a little more heat if this had been HHH's return match but for some reason that God only knows, that was on Smackdown.

So who will win the Rumble? You really have a lot of choices here..even the darkhorses can win if things go their way.

All I know is this, I DO NOT WANT TO SEE ANYONE THAT DOESN'T BELONG IN THIS RUMBLE GETTING INVOLVED WITH IT. God help me, if I see Big Poochie or The Orange Goblin on my screen, I'mma vomit all over it. I hate to sound all Dave Meltzer here but if ANYONE thinks this is a good thing long term, then I got a ice cream cone to sell you in hell. They won't put anyone over and they will manipulate, just like WCW. And don't give that "Vince has the final say" crap because it didn't help with HBK running rampant. Ah...let me take a deep breath. Ok, I'm glad I got that out of my system :)

Anyway, back to the Rumble and the winner. Well it won't be Mr. Perfect that's for sure..lol..but it will cool to see him again and supposively, he's in great shape. I could care less about Goldust or the Godfather and I'm hoping they are in for about..oh..1 second. Val Venis is returning as well and I'm kinda wondering..what the hell are they going to do with him now?

I really am perplexed as to who is going to win the Rumble. God damn it there is this little voice telling me..."They sure did push the 'Taker hard leading up to the Rumble didn't they?". That little voice can go to hell because it ain't happening. There is no way the Undertaker wins this Rumble.

RVD has a good shot as a lot of people have said but RVD is not going to Wrestlemania and getting a title shot. Not happening this time.

Booker T SHOULD WIN because he needs it but there is no damn way he is going over in this match. Hell would freeze over first.

It all really comes down to Austin and HHH kicking the crap out of each other and all that as the crowd goes nut..and then one of them getting eliminated and then...ahh hell I don't know what's going to happen because of that pesky Kurt Angle.

But I'm pretty sure I know who's going to win this match..
Winner: HHH

drq: Despite what the early inclinations leaned toward, there remains quite a drop between the most likely winners here and the obvious also-rans. Without question, this is shaping up to be a Rumble that could rival the 1992 brawl for rights to the title "greatest of all time." With Triple H white hot off his comeback, Stone Cold riding a new wave of popularity, the Undertaker threatening as never before, a few wild cards like Booker T and Rob Van Dam thrown in to keep fans guessing, and Kurt Angle chasing his first ever Rumble victory, this is one of the toughest matches I've ever attempted to predict. Last year, there was little doubt in my mind that Austin would be the winner... this year, though, he's got some competition. The most obvious choice is HHH. Just about every fan in the stands expects him to main event Wrestlemania, and this would be his golden ticket there. But while it's tough to go against 'the game', I think there's a card to be played that almost everyone is overlooking. Can't imagine Kurt Angle main eventing the biggest event of the year? Start firing up your imagination. Almost everyone watching Sunday Night has completely eliminated Angle from the list of possibilities in their mind, which is just the kind of situation the Olympic Hero feeds off of. If I were to predict a main event for Wrestlemania today, I'd go with Jericho vs. HHH, and that seems much more likely than Angle / Rocky, but there's just a hunch I can't really shake about this one. I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is and go with the Olympic Champion here.
Winner: Kurt Angle

IN CLOSING


Dave: In closing, it's pretty obvious that I have no idea about who is going to win the Rumble. I mean the obvious choices are REALLY OBVIOUS..but who knows? Anyway, that's a good thing because I don't mind being wrong when it's for the right reasons. This PPV should be REAL good and the Jericho/Rock match will be awesome.

I hope the WWF decides to get off on a good foot in 2002 and gives the fans what they want. I also hope that I NEVER see anyone on my screen that is named Nash, Hall or Hogan. Never again. I don't know why I am harping on that but something is not sitting right with me going into this PPV and I don't know why I keep thinking that something really stupid will happen.

Maybe I am jaded or something but can you blame me? But..all in all..I have no complaints about the Royal Rumble this year. I'm looking forward to it and you should be too..THE NATURE BOY RETURNS! Word yo.

drq: I know I kind of poo-pooed on a couple matches on the undercard in the writeups here, but despite my overly pessimistic writing style, know this; the 2002 Royal Rumble has a chance to become the very best in the event's long history. The triple main event is dy-no-mite, and the undercard is absolutely nothing to shake an angry finger at, even if Edge / Regal does turn out to be simply mediocre. Sure, it'd be nice to have a blistering cruiserweight match to open things up here, but it'd also be great to see Eddy Guerrero back on my TV this week, too. The point being... you can't get everything you wish for, and you should just be happy with what's in front of us right this very moment.

So as always, it's been your pleasure and we're more than happy to have entertained you with our odd little circus sideshow of a preview. If you've got any questions or comments, feel free to drop us a line at drqshadow@aol.com or threedtriad@aol.com. We'll give you a holler, if we hear you... even if you talk really quietly.

until next time, we're out like lightning

Spinosa and the Q


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