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ET CETERA - "Brand extend THIS."
by Jay Spree on 2002-04-03

I just want to say that Sega Soccer Slam KICKS ALL KINDS OF ASS.

I don’t really like football (sorry, “soccer”), but this game is something else. It is EXACTLY like the 2001 Hong Kong cinema blockbuster Shaolin Soccer – which is something I’m guessing only about three people get. But anyway, it’s a friggin ace game, and I can’t wait to finish typing this crap so I can go play it some more.

I’ve eaten a crapload of chocolate over Easter, and I can honestly say it just isn’t enough. The missus and I spent way, WAY too much time making fresh batches of Rice Crispy cakes, and I think I’m addicted to them. It got to the point where we weren’t even waiting for them to set – we just stuck a spoon in the warm, sticky chocolate and started eating. Ahh, to be young and greedy…

On with the show!

The new face of the WWF

So the split’s done and dusted and Austin’s on RAW. Great thinking Vince – the guy boycotts the show because you put him into a program with the nWo, so you put him on the only show they’re allowed to appear on. Gee, I wish I were a billionaire too.

Oh wait, I really do.

RAW looked pretty good, by all accounts. Well, except that they’re dumping the two title belts. And except for the Undertaker/Triple HGH main event of Backlash. And except… well, the good stuff is that RVD is feuding with Eddy Guerrero, Brock Lesnar totally DESTROYED the Hardy Girlz, and Bubba looks like he’s getting a half decent singles push. Well, it’s certainly no worse than it was before…

I’m guessing that Rey Mysterio’ll end up on Smack!Down to join the Cruiserweight Division (in case you missed it, the WWF Light Heavyweight Championship no longer exists – in WWF lore it has been replaced by the Cruiser Title). While we’ll be (theoretically, at least) forever denied the next chapter in the Rey/Kevin Nash saga, it’ll be great seeing him kick it with Tajiri, Helms, Kidman et al.

I’m still not sure about the whole format for each show. I know it’s not going to be as simple as one “Sportz Entertainment” and one “Rasslin” show, but given that Smack!Down has got the richer workrate pool, it seems odd that while they’ve got the Cruiserwieghts, they’ve also been given the Tag Titles, given what a total joke they’ve become – and given that the APA, The Dudleyz, and Edge & Christian are no more, while the Hardy Boyz are on the other show. Maybe they’re planning to FINALLY break the Hardyz up, but I doubt it (I wish these morons would stop buying “Team Extreme” merchandise). Maybe every other PPV should be a joint show where the other roster gets a shot at each title, so maybe the tag belts can switch shows once in a while or something. Or maybe I’m thinking WAAAY too much about a championship held by Billy Gunn and Chuck Fucking Palumbo.

HeAT’s ended up being a RAW roster show as well, with Raven and Jonathon Coachman as the commentators/hosts. Man, remember when HeAT was the WWF’s #2 show? Remember when everybody used to watch it religiously, especially before a PPV where it would be used to fuel a current feud or main event? Those were the days. Anyway, years of watching (UK) Metal and Jakked have taught me that Coach sucks ass as a commentator, and years of watching Coliseum Video tapes have taught me that Raven ain’t much better. Christ, just give him the book and let him sort out this mess of a promotion – let someone like Regal or Heyman do the talking. Wouldn’t that make a lot more sense? Oh well, at least Raven gets some TV time this way. It would have been WAY funnier for him to have kept the Hardcore belt and have to defend it 24/7 while running commentary.

So odds are that ExCess will end up as a Smack!Down show – and if they’re shoving Coach and Johnny Polo down our throats on HeAT, Christ knows what they’ve got planned for this. I haven’t read the spoilers yet, but I know that Michael Cole gets a new broadcast partner for S!D, and neither of them are likely to host ExCess. Hell, Michael Hayes wasn’t all bad, but they’ll probably want to push that Lloyd guy or wet behind the ears Chris Leary. And probably someone like Mike Sanders, who (like Raven) they’d be far better off just letting wrestle. I reckon they should use Mark Henry and make him read poems for the whole show whilst hitting on transsexuals. No, wait – they could just put Hall and Nash on Smack!Down and let THEM do commentary. Now that would rule. Or Scott Steiner.
If it’s Stephanie, I’ll shoot myself on a live webcam.

But it’s not all doom and gloom – it looks like Dawn Marie is on her way to the Fed. YES YES YES YES YES YES YES. That is such good news. I’ve already pissed myself just thinking about it. Come on Vince – give us X-rated Divas PPVs, you KNOW we’d buy them.

It should be interesting to see what they do with the rest of the week’s shows. And if RAW, the only show on the planet that ISN’T supposed to have Vince McMahon on it , had THAT much Vince on it, Christ only knows how many McMahons are gonna be on Smack!Down…

Until next week.


They’re getting rid of the belts WHY?……Um, Steve? Shannon’s gone now, you don’t have to hate us any more……And thanks for getting rid of him, by the way…It doesn’t make me hate him any less, but props to Triple HGH for working through a fractured kneecap……Must be all that USING THE KNEE~!……RVD/Guerrero? YES PLEASE!……“Hey Vince.” “Hey Jim, what can I do for you?” “Well by gawd, we’ve got a problem with ol’ Stone Cold. He’s not happy and he’s talking about not coming to TV again next week.” “Screw that bald redneck with the broken red neck – he ain’t shit. He can’t bully me– I’m Vince McMahon, dammit!” “Wellsir, you know that Dwayne’s just landed another film role, and he’s hosting SNL again.” “Oh, really? Well…get Austin on the phone – maybe we can talk”……Way to go Kurt – sign that new contract before Vince totally cuts everyone’s money. Itensity, Integrity……I know Scott already said it, but Perfect & Bossman is like some weird WrestleFest arcade machine flashback……Bad luck, Perry……You know, if you put footage of Austin in the new RAW intro, you can’t expect us not to guess where he’s gonna end up. Well done WWF production……Wow, I never knew that Bam Bam took RVD to “another level”. Or that it was actually him who made Taz. Stupid, stupid me ……They could do a lot worse than make the nWo the new APA……Oh wait, they already did by having them feud with Bradshaw and Kane……Way to go Trish! Field of 64 Champion! Eat shit and die, Alyssa Milano!……If only Heyman had Brock Lesnar three years ago……If you’re gonna have Benoit make some sort of appearance at Backlash, PLEASE let him run-in and destroy Hunter and Taker……"I don't condone its use. But I understand its place. I don't have a problem with people who take steroids. It's a great medicine for people who need it, and it has a place in the world just like any other medication. If a doctor feels that's what you need to improve your health or life and puts you on it, then that's great. However, if you take it without a prescription, then it's just a drug like any other drug, and you shouldn't take it. It should only be given by a doctor." Notice how many justifying clauses Triple HGH used?……Up to your old tricks again, big Kev?……I though that Big Show was “the hottest free agent in the history of the WWF”?……Apparently so did he……Cool angle at Ring of Honor where Shawn Michaels’ students argued over who was the top graduate. The Fed could use all those guys on S!D……“Are you there God? It’s me, X-Pac. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU”……I think Bubba should always wrestle in his glasses……And what’s with Raven’s Adam Ant getup?……Eat a dick, Bill O’Reilly……John Collins……John Collins……John Col……

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Quotes from the boys: Moondog Manson says "After a long hard thought about what I wanted to do, I realized retirement isn't what I wanted. Why would I give these knuckleheads the satisfaction of retirement when I can terrorize them ten fold in the ring.".
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