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ET CETERA - Pre-Survivor Series Booking Meeting
by Jay Spree on 2002-11-12

WWF BOOKING MEETING
Saturday 23rd November (Survivor Series Eve)


Present at the meeting: Vince McMahon (Vince), Stephanie McMahon (Steph), Triple H (HGH), Jim Ross (JR), Paul Heyman (Paul E), Brian Gerwitz (Gerwitz).

Vince:
So, tomorrowís the Survivor Series, ratings are down, and the companyís in the shitter. I think itís clear what had to be doneÖ

JR:
By GAWD, Vince, please donít say Montreal.

Vince: Thatís exactly right JR Ė MONTREAL.

Steph: My dadís right Ė the Montreal angle is the single most revolutionary angle in the history of sports entertainment, and I think itís equally clear that only ONE MAN deserves to go over: My husband, Triple H!

JR: Um, Steph, heís not really your husband Ė we dropped that angle over a year ago, remember?

Steph: Angle?

HGH: Shut the hell up Ross-uh. That little jobroni may have a couple of medals, but IÖ AMÖ THE GAMEÖ and IímÖ goingÖ over!

JR: Why do you talk like that?

HGH: Iíve already put over Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam AND Chris Jericho this year, not to mention young guys like Taker and Kane. So ITíS MYÖ TIME!

Vince: Actually Hunter, I was thinking that maybe someone else should go over this time.

Steph: WHAT?

HGH: WHAT?

Vince: Clearly, the brand extension has provided new opportunities for fresh new storylines and exciting new stars to emerge.

Paul E: THATíS RIGHT McMAHON Ė THE BRAND EXTENSION IS EXTREEEEEEEME, AND NO-ONEíS MORE EXTREME THAN MR. MONDAY NIGHT, THE WHOLE FíN SHOW, ROB VAN DAM!

JR: Why do you talk so loudly?

Paul E: BECAUSE IíM, EXTREEEEEEEEEME, JUST LIKE ROB VAN DAM, MR. PPV, WHO IS THE ONLY MAN WHO DESERVES TO HOLD THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!

HGH: Why donít you shut up Heyman, if anyoneís gonna win more belts around here, itís gonna be ME, TH GAYYYYYYYY-MUH!

Paul E: NO, I WILL NOT SHUT UP, BECAUSE YOU DONíT DESERVE TO BE WORLD CHAMPION! WHAT HAVE YOU EVER DONE IN THIS BUSINESS? ALL YOU DID WAS RIDE THE COATTAILS OF SHAWN MICHAELS, PUTTING ON SHITTY MATCHES AND STINKING UP THE RING FOR SIX YEARS BEFORE YOU FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO WRESTLE IN 2001. THEN YOU FUCK YOUR WAY INTO STAYING ON TOP OF THE CARD AND YOU CANíT EVEN DRAW!

HGH: What, like your boy RVD drew all those people in the bingo hall?

Paul E: ROB VAN DAM WAS KICKING CHAIRS AND BREAKING TABLES WHILE YOU WERE USING THE KNEE AND LIGHTING UP THE RING IN SLOP BUCKET MATCHES! AND IF YOU WERE EVEN HALF THE DRAW YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOUíD HAVE BEEN IN WCW WITH YOUR BUDDIES HALL AND NASH! WHEN ERIC BISCHOFF DOESNíT EVEN WANT YOU, YOU KNOW YOUíRE IN TROUBLE!

HGH: At least Iíve got hair, you piece of crap!

Vince: Cool your jets, both of you. Now Paul, donít worry, weíve got big plans for RVD down the line.

Paul E: EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!

Vince: Yes, quite. Now Paul --

HGH: You will call meÖ THE GAME-UH!

Vince: Okay, um, THE GAME-UH, you donít have to worry either. Now, weíve got plans to make a whole bunch of new belts for you, and we can even award you a couple of belts that havenít been around for a while. Given your obvious physical prowess gained since you started on the ICO-PRO programmeÖ

HGH: ICO-what?

Vince: We thought you might like to win the old WBF Title.

HGH: What the hellís the WBF?

Vince: Well, being as Iím a modern-day entrepreneur like Ted TurnÖuh, I mean, Rupert Murdoch, and being as Iím not at all a one-dimensional carny huckster who canít ever escape the wrestling business, Iíve had a long history of diversifying revenue streams with innovative ideas and conceptsÖ

JR: Like the XFL.

Vince: Just like the XFL. And Smack!Down Records.

Paul E: AND DONíT FORGET WWF NEW YORK!

HGH: Hey, wait a minute Vince Ė all of those ideas really sucked a lot of dick, didnít they?

Vince: Hey why donít you shut up, clique boy? Just because youíre fucking my daughter doesnít mean youíre in charge around here, got it?

HGH: Actually Vince, it kinda does.

Vince: FUCK YOU! You know who the last guy was who fucked my daughter to keep his spot?

Steph: Oh no, PLEASE DAD donít tell himÖ

HGH: What the hell? Who Vince, WHO?

Vince: HULK HOGAN, DAMMIT!

JR: Good Gawd almighty! Hogan! Hogan! Hogan! Have mercy on this young manís SOUL!

Paul E: EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!

Steph: Oh dad, how could you?

HGH: How could YOU, Steph? Just because he put 150,000 asses in seats at the SilverDome, doesnít make him any more of a man than me, does it?

Vince: Thatís right Triple H, little Steph-baby was the first Hulkamaniac there ever was, and look where Hogan is now! Heís on Hollywood Squares, dammit, trying to pretend like heís still somebody! But heís nothing without me! He couldnít have put 300,000 asses in the SilverDome if it werenít for me! McMAHONMANIA IS RUNNINí WILD, AND THEREíS NOTHINí YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, SO UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO CUT OFF YOUR SUPPLY OF ICO-PRO, YOU CAN SHUT UP AND DO WHAT I TELL YOU!

JR: So, who do you think should go over, Vince?

Vince: Well, dammit, Shawn Michaels has got his big comeback, and since itís Survivor Series, and weíre gonna do the Montreal angle, everyoneís gonna expect Shawn to come out on top.

HGH: You know Vince, Iíve already put Shawn over once this yearÖ

Vince: Thatís why weíre gonna SWERVE the fans! Those dickheads on the internet wonít know what hit them!

JR: So whoís it gonna be, Vince, Kane? Booker T?

Paul E: HOW ABOUT THE WHOLE FíN SHOW ROB VAN DAM?

Steph: How about my husband, the game, Triple H!

Vince: NoÖ thereís only ONE MAN who should hold win the title. THE PHENOM! THE UNDERTAKER!

HGH: You know Vince, thatís great and all, but I donít think heís a real tippy-top guy, and I donít think I wanna put him over again.

Vince: Weíre gonna give you two or three more titles, donít you worry about that. You can even have one of the inaugural XFL championship rings! Youíll be the only champion in Sports Entertainment history to wear a championship RING instead of a belt!

HGH: Whatís the XFL?

Vince: But putting the strap on the Undertaker is really just a ploy to launch a REVOLUTIONARY NEW ANGLE!

Steph: How about another nWo angle Ė I heard Scott Hall finally found a babysitter?

Paul E: HOW ABOUT WE HIRE ONITA AND TERRY FUNK AND HAVE AN EXPLODING TABLES TIMEBOMB SINGAPORE CANE STAIRWAY TO HELL TIMEBOMB CHAIRSHOT EXTREEEEEEME DEATHMATCH IN THE BINGO HALL?

JR: How about we put two guys in a wrestling ring and just let them wrestle for twenty minutes?

Vince: How DARE you sully this companyís good name by using that word, you frozen-faced, Southern piece of shit! I NEVER want to hear that word again! From now on, itís to be called a ďSports Entertainment ringĒ, and two ďSports EntertainersĒ will get in it to ďSports EntertainĒ! You got it?

JR: Whatever. After all my time here, I can shill any shit you want.

Vince: Good, because after the overwhelming success of the Katie Vick angle, weíre taking things down to an all new low! Weíve had necrophilia, now itís time for incest!

Paul E: INCEST IS ONE THING MY FRIEND, BUT IN EXTREEEEEEME CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING, WE WERE CUTTING EDGE LONG BEFORE YOU GUYS HAD PEOPLE FUCKING EACH OTHERíS CORPSES. LESBIANS IS WHERE ITíS AT! LETíS HIRE BEULAH McGILLICUTTY AND SOME MORE ASIAN CHICKS AND HAVE US SOME EXTREEEEEEEEEEEME HLA!

Gerwitz: Hey, that was MY idea, you bald son of a bitch.

Paul E: ACTUALLY, IT WAS VINCE RUSSOíS IDEA, AND ALL YOUíVE EVER DONE IS RECYCLE A BUNCH OF HIS HALF-ASSED ANGLES THAT WERE SECOND RATE BEFORE THEY GOT THEIR FIRST RUN! ALL ANGLES SHOULD BEGIN AND END WITH TERRY FUNK, BECAUSE HEíS EXTREEEEEEEEEEME!

Gerwitz: Shut the fuck up and go back to your momís house, you bankrupt mother fucker!

Vince: Yeah, fuck off Heyman, what have YOU done while Brianís been revolutionising the RAW brand? Sure, you may have been booking the guys in some of the best, most fast-paced matches in recent memory, and giving the fans Match of The Year candidates every week, but over on RAW, Brianís been giving us men fucking corpses! And now, weíre taking things one step further!

Gerwitz: Thatís right Vince. The Undertaker will win the title, and then heíll feud with his own brother Kane!

JR: Actually, itís Through Hell, Fire and Brimstone, The Big Red Machine Kane!

Gerwitz: Exactly. You thought Triple H fucking a body was hardcore? You ainít seen nothing until you seen two seven foot guys fucking each other in a wrest-- um, I mean, Sports Entertainment ring!

JR: Good Gawd almighty!

Vince: So Triple H, if you want to bullshit your way into the angle, you better have a couple of brothers we can put on RAW.

HGH: Vince, I donít mind telling you that Iím not a fan of faggots, but if it means the main event, Iíll fuck another guy no problem Ė jeez, I fucked Steph, didnít I?

Steph: You bastard! Hulkís dick is WAY bigger than yours.

HGH: Sticks and stones.

Steph: AND SO IS CHYNAíS!

HGH: You take that back, you little slut! Katie Vick was a better screw than you!

JR: So Vince, what about the ďElimination ChamberĒ itself? And what are we gonna do about the rest of the card?

Vince: Actually, Iíve been thinking about that Jim. Since we never book the matches until the last minute, and since nobody buys our PPVs any more anyway, nobody will really notice either way. So I figured we can solve both problems in one: The Elimination Chamber will be a brand new, even more demonic incarnation of the HELL IN A CELL MATCH!

Gerwitz: What, like the Dog Kennel From Hell?

Vince: EXACTLY like the Dog Kennel From Hell, Brian. In fact, itís going to be a Dog Kennel From Hell Royal Rumble!

Paul E: WITH TABLES!

Vince: Yes, with tables!

Paul E: WITH FLAMING TABLES!

Vince: Um, okay, with flaming tables!

Paul E: EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEME!

JR: Uh, okay, Iíve shilled worse. How about the other matches on the card?

Vince: Well, to save us having to book them, and to save the fans having to worry about them Ė because everythingís shades of grey, and we donít want to insult our fansí intelligence with good guys vs. bad guys Ė weíre going to have all the matches in the Dog Kennel From Hell with Flaming Tables AT THE SAME TIME!

Gerwitz: Thatís even better than David Arquette!

Vince: Thank you, Brian. Now, itís a big day tomorrow, so everybody get some rest, and Iíll see you at the arena at 5 oíclock. Except you Hunter, weíll talk ways of putting you over later while you fuck Steph.

(AFTER THE MEETING, WHEN EVERYBODY HAS GONE)

Vince: Well Paul, that went pretty well.

Paul E: THAT WAS EXTREEEEEEME! IT COULDNíT HAVE GONE ANY BETTER! YOUíRE A GENIUS Ė YOU COULDíVE BOOKED FOR ECW!

Vince: Iím smarter than those damn McMahons, anyway.

(Pulls off face, Mission Impossible 2-style)

Eazy E: They want to run ME out of the business? The WWF is on a THREEÖ MINUTEÖ WARNING!

Paul E: THE ALLIANCE WILL WIN!

(To be continuedÖ)

Jay Spree


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