This weeks edition of the memoirs will be a treat to anyone who loves christmas. I will take a look at several different wrestlers and see where they fit on this special day. To many this is a day of giving, sharing, spiking the egg nog and being with loved ones. To me, it is a day to combine all the calamity, insanity, and melodrama that the world of WWF has to offer with several holiday characters that have spread the meaning of Christmas in their own special way. However, on this one day we will rage an epic battle to the finish to determine...ummm, nothing really. This whole thing is for my enjoyment muhahaha! So without further ado...let festivities begin.
Tiny tim versus Crash Holly vice versa and in reverse
On the surface you might think this is a cake walk, but let's not be so hasty there folks. All that is going on here is not what it appears. This match up to some may look like the "one legged gimp" versus "the no third leg to stand on gimp". Good old Erin "Crash" O'Grady, who is synonymous with losing to the women's champion doesn't have a chance against double T. Tiny Tim "the giant killer" is the most deceptive of all athletes on the block. He combines this finisher of "god bless us everyone" crap with that pathetic look on his face, and the loss and hunger. It is exactly what he wants you to think. See, when Crash least expects it BAM! right over the head with his crutch. He is down for the count and Crash is back to asking for help from his family; the disillusioned super-hero and the back stage curtain-fluffer.
Bob Crachett versus Kurt Angle vice versa and in reverse....
The next battle pits the constent good guy "provider" against a "milk-drinking" good guy sheep rider. To all that know Crachett know he is a beloved father and provider. The unfortunate part is he is weak! He is pathetic and in on a one on one confrontation he does not have a chance against our olympic hero. At a glance, I see how Crachett might have a chance seeing as that he is "good"..but really unless he is busy knocking up Mrs.. Crachett on live TV then he will never get the upper hand when it comes to shock value. Angle, has the ankle lock and Crachett has the kid who barely has an ankle to stand on. Angle drinks milk and Crachett can't afford to buy milk. The osteoporosis is kicking in on Crachett from a lack of calcium and Angle would snap him in half.
The Ghost of Christmas Future versus The Undertaker vice versa and in reverse..
This match up seems like the closest battle between fiction and reality. The ghost of christmas past carries all the evil and darkness of the Undertaker with one only weakness. He has a heart. It is sad I know just when you thought finally "real" competition for the Undertaker, good old ghost of christmas future goes out and has a heart. The difference between the two is just when you think, old Ebenezer is about to get buried alive he wakes up. If that were the Undertaker, he would have never seen the light of day. If the "future" was in the WWF the Hardyz and Lita would have not suffered any injuries they would simply wake up and realize...oh my god were just acting! This time realism has to play out no matter how intimidating the ghost of christmas future is! The Undertaker is no fairy tale..until out of no where comes Jacob Marley and they take down the dead man out...I never thought Jacob would be as an important a character as he was.
The Ghost of christmas past versus Classy Freddie blassie vice versa and in reverse.
This battle is not some match up between a pencil-necked geek and Scrooge's memory of when he had an active sex life. This is not the case at all here. We have the symbol of treasured memories, versus a guy who will bore you into submission about stories of how his main man the Iron Sheik was the world champion. That alone will take out any of the competition. They would rather tap out then to hear classy Freddie boast about how he is ...classy freddie. He will tell us how he managed this guy and that guy when now if he could just manage to live it would be an accomplishment. Christmas past doesn't have a chance. Even Bill Murray's adaptation of the famed story could not save the fate of christmas past from a fate worst than Freddie Blassie. If they ever were to reverse roles I could just see how Blassie would lead Scrooge to the window where he see's the one women that captured his heart so long ago. As Scrooge is looking in you can just hear old Freddie rambling in the background, "women, you pencil neck geek, the last time I had to deal with women, Cyndi Lauper was a star". Alright already throw up the white flag and tap out. The winner Freddie Blassie...
The Ghost of Christmas Present versus Chris jericho vice versa and in reverse
This match up I think everyone could see coming. I have to give the edge in this one to Jericho for a couple of reasons. 1)He has the red pony tail and everyone knows that red is the color of a champion! well maybe not of a champion but of umm, a leader. Alright people I am reaching here cut me some slack. 2) the good and happy ending really does not stand a chance against Jericho's heel mentality. Wait a minute, wasn't christmas present actually when we saw Tiny Tim die? If that were the case I need to rethink this..(cue the thinking) Christmas Present rules! It has all the pain and anguish that is needed to beat Jericho. It has reality on its sidede. Well, maybe fictional reality at the very least. Christmas Present comes out on top and Jericho is left asking himself, "was TD right, was I just internet hype?"
Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer versus Test "The Brown Nose" Martian vice versus and in reverse
This battle will pit man, well sort of man against beast. Rudolph will lead St. Nick's sleigh with his "red nose", against the one an only infamous brown nose assassin himself Test and his immunity. He will captivate you with things like "hey, brown nosing is just part of my gimmick really it is! and I am also suppose to sound like my balls are in my mouth". Wow, so intriguing and I suppose next he will serve a purpose, in the company right? If they ever reversed roles it wouldn't be the same. First off Test would never lead anyone one regardless of it being in a match or on a sleigh. It doesn't matter if it is Albert or a fat guy and deer's with antlers staple gunned to their heads. Rudolph and immunity! That means if he were to ever lead Santa into a fire or brick wall than he could never get fired right? I see now it is all making sense to me.
Scrooge versus Vince versus Santa vice versa and in reverse..
Okay this is it the main event of the evening and I suppose we are waiting for how it would all shape out in the end. First off if Scrooge ran the WWF, everyone would be poor and no matter how much Trish would offer her services to him he would never bite. I on the other hand would never have a problem biting! Although he does not seem the type. If Vince held court in a Christmas Carol then Mrs.. Crachett would have to do the J.O.B to big daddy Vince, if you know what I mean. Imagine, Vince taking her out to the middle of the room and telling her "take off your bra"..Her response, "what's that?" He says, "do you know who I am? I am Vincent K. McMahon and you will do what I say if you want a job in the WWF. Mrs%2e. Crachett says, "what's that my lord?" If Santa ran the WWF he would ask Stephanie if she were naughty..Pervert! If Scrooge ran the WWF he would pay people in shillings and Edge and Christian would ask, "with the Canadian exchange rate what do we get"? If Vince called a Christmas Carol home then he would fire the writers (and you thought even Dickens was safe). In the WWF if Scrooge and Santa reformed the corporation, they would redo their skits from the Canadian Tire commercials. Just imagine! the whole give a little and save a little advertisements revisited.
Well for one night all will be restored I hope..MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL..and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!
Marcus Madison...Caroling through the madness?