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Manson to rename this site TitusTalks.com
by Dan Titus on 2002-05-06

Little does he know it, but the Rock and everyone he holds dear are in grave danger. And Hulk Hogan is involved.


See, when someone happens to be a fugitive from justice, they will often seek out a place that is completely deserted,in order to hide until the heat dies down a little bit, and a movie theatre playing a Hulk Hogan movie used to provide just such an opportunity. A guy could duck in and hide out for the typical 4 days before the film was yanked and likely burned by angry theatre owners.*


*They didn't pay to get in, these are criminals after all. That's how the majority of them started out in the underworld, seeing how many movies they can get into for free, moving on to reading magazines for free in the store, and finally bank robbery. It's not like trying to rob Fort Knox or anything, you just walk past the sleeping usher in the lobby.

Herein lies the Rocks dilemma: He was in a movie millions of people have actually seen,enjoyed and in some cases went back to see it again.In making such a foolish move, he has angered a lot of criminals who have been deprived of a valuable hiding place. These are not petty criminals, like the majority of fans at indy shows, but dangerous violent people. In order to protect his family, the Rock must start making crappy movies. Maybe start doing parts Hogan turned down. Or find a really good place to hide. Like a Hulk Hogan movie.
***
As I mentioned on the forum yesterday, I bought a copy of The John Wayne classic The Green Berets yesterday. Great movie. Kind of an interesting blurb on the back of the box, about how John Wayne wrote to President Lyndon Johnson asking for assistance in making the movie, and he responded by getting the Pentagon to supply all the military equipment used in the film. Ya know, I just can't construct a similar scenario using any of todays actors...

Dear President Bush:

As a fellow patron of the arts, I am sure you are aware of the tremendous financial costs sometimes associated with bringing ones creative vision to life. That is why I am asking for your assistance in convincing the San Diego Zoo to donate enough giraffes to make the 20 minute felching scene in my next movie a true epiphany for all concerned.

Sincerely,
Tom Green

PS-Please excuse the boogers I taped to the envelope of this letter.It's like a trademark.

Dear Mr Green:

As President of the United States, I truly believe if America does not support your attempts to bring giraffe felching to the masses,then the terrorists have won. I believe that even though you were born in the vast, igloo populated,beer swilling, hockey happy, far inferior nation of Canada, you represent the true creative spirit that makes America great, and Canada humble in our shadow. I may have to rethink nuking your primitive nation. Hey, do you guys still trade beaver pelts and back bacon as a form of currency?

Incidentally,Freddy Got Fingered sits proudly in the Presidential video library, along with the 150 executions I authorized in Texas.Have you seen a man's eyes roll back as his breathing stops?Now thats comedy!

Sincerely,

President George W Bush

PS-Please forgive the boogers taped to the Canadian flag. It's one of MY trademarks.
***
I've been writing this column in installments over the last few days and the WWF made it official the WWF is gone,long live WWE. Sigh.

I think the Mcmahon's have gotten so bored with their monopoly that now they are ignoring the wise adage of "If it ain't broke,don't fix it. We always wondered what the landscape would be like if Vince had no visible competition. And it's ugly. At this rate, WWE won't be good enough, the company will just start using a symbol like the artist currently known as the artist formerly known as Prince.

Whats all this talk about stuff like "Brand Extension" anyway? How about making that wrestling thing you're dabbling in a little better? Manson, it's time we extend the Moondog Manson brand, once we figure out what the hell that means, we can get started.
***
Don't believe what Halsall says. He still,in his heart, believes Hulkamania is the strongest force in the universe. He adds the word Hulk-a- to everything. "Well,Dan,Brother, last night I was watching a Hulk-a-Porno on the Hulk-a-Couch, and had sex with the Hulk-a-Girlfriend after I showed her the Hulk-a-Boner." Then he rips off his shirt and starts posing. He calls everyone "Brother". Even his family when they visit his house .Brother father.Brother mother.Brother brother.He got fired from his job recently for responding to a customers request by cupping his hand repeatedly to his ear. What really gets annoying is how he pesters me about saying my prayers and eating my vitamins. And no Sam,I'm not coming to your house for a Mr Nanny/No Holds Barred double feature.
***
Are you a glutton for punishment and wanna write for this site? Send me a picture of you felching a giraffe a sample of your work to titus@moondogmanson.com and if you aren't a piece of shit, you may get in.

Dan-Sam's sister tried to touch my belly 2 weeks ago. Maybe she thinks I'm a Hulk-a-Studmuffin.





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