The Epitaph: Tales of the Scorched Earth
by Marcus Madison on 2001-11-10

"Farewell goodnight last one out turn out the lights and let me be, let me die inside". (Smashing Pumpkins..."Mellon Collie....")

These words echo in my head on the greatest day of the year next to devils night, hallow's eve!

This weeks edition of the epitaph will be a treat to anyone who loves halloween. I will take a look at several different wrestlers past and present see where they may fit on this special day. This one piece was inspired by Waranhayt and his "fantasy warfare". Waran, your are a true professional and I appreciate your dedication. Lets'take a look at a few movie characters, their costumes and see where the fit in the the world of sports entertainment...if at all! What would happen if a few maniacal movie characters changed places with a few key performers in professional wrestling? If they ever did change places then the world would never....ever be the same again!

Leather face, and "Chainsaw Charlie"...vice versa and in reverse!

"Why do the same old things keep on happening? because beyond my hopes there are no reasons"(SP)

The character of Leather face in the slasher classics Texas Chainsaw Massacre would certainly be played by "the Funker". However, I get the feeling that good old "Charlie" may challenge that. His temporary persona as a chainsaw-wielding, middle aged and crazy, bugger know as "Chainsaw Charlie" certainly did seem like the perfect stand in for Leather face. He would play him to a tea. Could you imagine Leather face taking the place of Funk? He would think the blade jobs were a good thing and that in fact may not want to stop at just cutting open these opponents and making them bleed like stuffed pigs? Could you imagine him battling Cactus Jack in the King of the Death match? Leather face would do just that literally, kill Cactus. Do you think that the well endowed women that are being chased by Chainsaw Charlie, and are running up the stairs and not out the door would get pinned down and allow him to torture them with his devastating spinning toe hold. Could Terry Funk honestly chase someone with a branding iron and make that a weapon against any of his victims? Would he truly intimidate someone in a horror movie? Think about it as one future victim turns to another and says, "hey, whose the old guy and why is he wearing a nylon on his head?

Jason Voorhees and Kane...vice versa and in reverse

I often think after watching one of the most destructive villains of all time in Jason, via the Friday the 13th series that only one man could even come close to taking his place. Kane, is the only "monster" that comes close to Jason in any sense of the word. Jason, wears a mask, Kane wears a mask. Jason's mother was killed, Kane's mom slept with Paul Bearer so it is kind of the same thing.

Although I do have my doubts about Kane. It's sad I know, but think about it. He is to emotional at times to be taken seriously as a serial killer. As soon as his feelings get hurt he runs away and hides(refer to x-pac/tori incident...sad and pathetic I know). If that were Jason he would 86 them both. X-pac, would suck and be mince meat all at the same time. The old Kane would strike fear into the hearts of many a man. If Kane were the man he was Kevin Bacon would have not been carved open in the earlier part of the series in his cabin. He would have been choke slammed to the bottom of the lake and them set on fire.

Paul Bearer...and The Stepfather vice versa and in reverse.

When I initially thought of this idea, thought it would be unfair for me to presume who I was referring to. The film "The stepfather", I believe a straight to video feature about a man who gets remarried and wants to make him family conform to his beliefs and ideologies. However, unlike what DDP may say this is "not a good thing, this is a bad thing". He would use any means necessary to have them follow his rules. I hope this little synopsis of the movie helps you understand it a little more now. I thought before I write this column who did Paul Bearer remind me of and the "Stepfather" came to mind. This was far more than one reason. Despite the fact that Paul let his illegitimate son fry worst than Canadian bacon when he was a kid he still apologized for what he did. The step father would simply kill any member of his family that did agree with the fact that "breakfast was the most important meal of the day".

If the roles where reversed "the stepfather" be a strong enough managerial figure for Kane? Would he lead him to championship gold or simply do away with like other members of his family? I shudder to think what would happen if "the stepfather" hooked up with Terri Runnels, what would poor little Dakota say? "I thought mom was screwed up, dad used to dress like a women this takes the cake."

Norman Bates and Sid Vicious vice versa and in reverse..

What other better comparison of PSYCHOS then these too? Sid was known for being a few screws short and Norman may have been simply screwed! Regardless of this, what would happen if these two switched places and Sid ran the motel and Norman ruled the world? Lets see if Sid ran the motel Janet Leigh would have been power bombed through the shower. If Norman Bates ran the world, Shawn Michaels would have been stabbed in the back literally. If Sid ran the motel he would start chasing his guests with scissors. If Norman ran the world he could never hold onto to a valet as his manager because he would always have this need to want to see them in the shower.

Overall I am not really convince that either of these guys should really take the other ones place. Norman could never rule the world, Chris Benoit would never have attempted the cross face on him. This is because Norman he would tell Benoit his mother is watching, from the balcony.

Marcus Madison...Trick and Treating through the madness!

You too can listen to Madness. Listen to Marcus Madison make his return to Joltin Joe's wrestling line on Starphone (416)350-3000 ext. 2049. Long distance charges may apply.