The Wrestling home of Moondog Manson

JAY’S PRE-NO WAY OUT NO WAY OUT REPORT

Opening Bout: InterContinental Title match
William Regal VS ??????

Regal’s music hits, and out he comes to ringside in his suit & tie getup. “Well, I came out here to defend my InterContinental Championship and teach someone and a bloody good lesson. But since nobody around here bothers to book anything any more, I don’t know who I’m supposed to be wrestling. So I’m issuing an open challenge to anyone in the back, to come out here and get a bloody good hiding!”

JR sounds concerned, noting that there are a lot of guys in the locker room who could take Regal apart by God, but The King has faith in “the power of the punch”. There is an awkward silence for a few moments, before Regal takes the mike again and says “You’re nothing but a bunch of bloody cowards!” before heading for he ropes.

“DUM…DUM, DUM-DUM, DUM!”

Just then, the faintly familiar tribal music hits. The hardcore element of the audience goes apeshit. The smarks just go “shit”. And Regal looks like he’s gonna shit himself. Then the long-haired, tassle-wearing madman comes bolting down the ramp, and all hell breaks loose, with the crowd chanting “Warr-i-or! Warr-i-or!”. The chanting stops, however, as Warrior blows up just as he reaches the ring, and bends over with his hands on his knees trying to catch his breath. Meanwhile, in the ring, Regal tries his best not to piss himself laughing, but does about as well as Jessie Ventura introducing the Shockmaster.

Tim White passes Warrior an inhaler, and after ten seconds and a deep breath he dives into the ring and starts shaking the ropes like he’s on fire, sucking air all the while. He turns to Regal, who tries to hit him with the brass knucks, but blocks, and connects with a series of rights. He then hits the ropes, and nails Regal with four big clotheslines. The pop is deafening, and Warrior signals for the gorilla press. The response is deafening, and he scoops up Regal for the finish…but once again, blown up, is breath give out on him, and he falls flat on his ass, dropping Regal on top of him. Still bewildered as to why Hogan ever agreed to put this nutjob over clean, Regal gingerly rolls Warrior on top of him as the ref counts the one-two-three. **1/2 star – great comedy match.

Winner and new IC Champion: Warrior.

- Meanwhile backstage, Mr Perfect is playing Space Invaders with the 1983 Midwest Under-13 Space Invaders Highscore Champion, and is down to his last continue.

- Meanwhile, elsewhere backstage, a limo pulls up in the parking lot with a “WCW 1” license plate. Out rattles an empty bottle of Jim Beam, and out steps Shane McMahon with a glassy look on his face and a half-empty bottle of tequila in his hand. He stumbles around for a bit, before cursing at the cameraman and drunkenly trying to assault him, before falling on the ground and being helped up by a bunch of WWF referees.

Back to ringside, and JR and The King seem genuinely baffled as to Shane’s appearance at the show. The camera then suddenly cuts back to the parking lot again, where we catch a brief glimpse of the referees pushing the WCW limo out of the way before another black limo pulls up. Out step Vince and Stephanie, looking awkward, and Steph utters the usual whiny spiel about getting revenge on Hunter. She says that since tonight is the nWo’s big night, Hunter picked the wrong time to mess with her. All the while, Vince just stares longingly at her breasts.

Goldust VS Rob Van Dam

Everything goes slowmo as Goldust’s entrance hits, which is met by a half-decent pop from the crowd. JR talks about mind games while Lawler is still talking about Steph’s puppies. Van Dam hits the ring, and it’s on. Crappy punches from GLAADdust are countered by wishy-washy forearms from Jay and Silent Bob Van Dam. Rob nails “connects” with some sort of sloppy spin kick, and goes for rolling thunder, but was so busy rolling dope before his match that he just falls through the ropes and lands on a heap outside. Goldust is kinda confused, but just sells anyway, creepily convulsing and rubbing his crotch on the mat, which JR desperately tries to sell as more mind games. Outside the ring, some stoner in the front row holds up a “4:20” sign, which catches Rob’s attention, and he goes over to talk about John Belushi movies and the time he was on the cover of High Times. Goldust slithers out of the ring and nails Rob with a hard right, but he’s too stoned to sell and just giggles. Goldust stiffs him and drags him back into the ring, where he hits some more of his boring gay offense on him. Rob just giggles the while time and starts telling Goldust that at least he’s stoned – Sabu was just a shit worker. Goldust starts rubbing himself against the mat again, while the ref goes over and slaps Rob, telling him “it’s time to go home, you prick.” Rob perks up momentarily, and is about to hit some sort of very high, um, risk manoeuvre, before he goes outside and grabs a chair. He throws it wildly in the vague direction of Goldust, but nails the referee instead. Goldust just shrugs his shoulders and goes back to violating the mat, so Rob goes up for the five star, but starts giggling again and falls backwards off the turnbuckle and onto the floor. Howard Finkel awkwardly announced that the bout has been rules a no-contest. DUD

Winner: Rob’s dealer

- Meanwhile, Shane is wandering around backstage banging on people’s dressing room doors. “Book…Book-er…” He wanders into The Rock’s dressing room and starts yelling “At InVasion, you’re going down on…to…the five time! Um, WCW champion.” The camera pans around the room, and Rock hasn’t arrived yet. Shane stumbles back into the hall and starts yelling again. “Lance…Lance Strom…”

- We cut to the Michael Cole interviewing the Undertaker. Cole asks all kinds of dick-in-the-ear questions, but Taker just tells him to show some respect and punches him out. Out of nowhere, Maven nails Taker with a chair. He no-sells, so Maven gives him a HELLACIOUS chairshot which knocks him on his ass. He then keeps pummelling the shit out of him, striking his head with the hard edge of the chair, screaming “I always hated that fucking earn, you prick! No-sell this you worthless sack of talentless shit! This is for Sean O’Hare!” WWF officials drag him away as we head back to ringside.

Booked-on-the-fly Tag Team Title match:
Tazz & Spike Dudley VS Billy & Chuck

Cypress Hill blasts over the speakers, and the champs hit the ring. Tazz whispers to Spike “I hope you gaht your working boots awn, cawse I ain’t bumpin for shit for these two faggits.” Out of nowhere, Val’s porn music hits, and out he comes wearing a towel. “Hello ladies!” he growls, much to the delight of the crowd. “You know ladies, the Big Valbowski has always been a lot like a pendulum: he swings…huh huh…noth ways.” Just then, the music hits again and out come Billy and Chuck, both wearing towels. All three of them start grinding on the ramp, and simultaneously remove their towels to reveal matching rainbow-coloured thongs, while Tazz just looks totally disgusted in the ring and JR makes a lot of Siegfried and Roy references.

Billy and Chuck make their gay, I mean way, to the ring. They get in, and start with their shitty offense on the tag champs. Spike bumps and sells like a trooper, but Tazz is having none of it. Chuck goes for the jungle kick, and Tazz just flat out lays him out with a closed fist. Billy comes over to help his partner and takes a wild swing, but it misses as Tazz is only three feet tall, and he locks on the Tazzmission. For a LONG time. And he won’t let go. Outside the ring, Val is hitting on chicks in the front row trying to convince them it’s all a show, and some guy starts telling Val how we need more gun control. Val calls him a “bleeding heart liberal son of a bitch bastard” and starts punching the shit out of the guy. Meanwhile, Spike is setting up three tables stacked on top of each other with a couple of chairs on top.

Inside, Tazz has STILL got the Tazzmission locked on, and Billy has gone a funny purple colour, and has long since stopped tapping out. The ref calls for the bell and disqualifies the champions, and since they were booked to lose clean, he awards the belts to Billy and Chuck anyway. Tazz lets go of Billy and calls him a faggit, before laying out the ref and giving him a nice shinah and heading to the back. Chuck and Billy are both dead, and Spike throws himself over the top rope and crashes through the tables and chairs, requiring medical attention and a stretcher.

Winners and new Tag Champions: Billy and Chuck

- Meanwhile, the Coach is wondering where Stone Cold is, when Jericho interrupts and starts talking about what a living legend he is. He says how Austin is so scared he hasn’t even showed up, but goes onto say he could a five star match on his own so what difference does it make. The crowd is heavy on the “What?”s, so Jericho finally lets loose with “Retards and assholes and faggots and paedophiles say ‘What?’” and everything goes deathly silent.

- Meanwhile, Steph is still spitting venom at Hunter, and Vince is still staring at her tits.

WrestleMania Title Shot:
Kurt Angle VS Triple HGH

Steph is accompanying Kurt. Hunter’s music hits, and he’s even BIGGER now, with veins bulging in his fingers. Kurt attempts to recreate some of their previous four star classics, but Hunter’s so roided up he can’t even bump properly. They lock up, but the lateral movement of Trip’s arms causes him to flex and get cramp. A few awkward minutes go by, with Hunter desperately trying to USE THE KNEE~ without his buttocks flexing and getting cramp in his ass. JR mutters how every time Steph gets bigger, so does Hunter. The match is like getting a boiling acid enema, until Vince comes out, and everyone starts chanting “n-W-o…n-W-o…”. They try to maintain the slow build, but the match is so bad that they can’t wait any longer. Out comes Kevin Nash to an insane pop, and everyone thinks he’s ready to lay out Hunter under orders from Vince. But he just stands on the apron as Trip and Angle exchange chops. The tension is electric as everyone wonders whose side he’s on. Angle and Hunter do the double clothesline spot, and Nash steps over the ropes and stands over them both – the crowd is going nuts. Then, he spots a fan in the crowd with a Goldberg t-shirt, and goes crazy, diving into the fifth row and screaming about the business being a work and how football players are all fags. He chases the guy out of the arena and Vince, Steph, Hunter and Kurt all stand around wandering what just happened. Vince grabs Stephanie and makes out with her to “cover” for the incident, proclaiming that the McMahons rule the world. Trip and Stephanie just look weirded out as Vince takes off his pants and puts on JR’s cowboy hat before running back up the aisle. Angle powerbombs himself in Nash’s absence, but Hunter and Stephanie just walk up the aisle and leave.

Winner: Triple H. Kinda.

- Meanwhile, Shane is screaming at Chuck Palumbo, and can’t understand why he’s wearing a thong instead of the WCW Tag Title. He keeps asking where Sean O’Hare is, to which Chuck responds “Ohio.” “No, O’HARE.” “He’s in Ohio.” I know who he is, but where is he?” Chuck shakes his head, and heads to the showers with Jeff Hardy.

- Meanwhile, Austin has arrived! He is met by Michael Cole, and starts hitting all his trademark “What?” moments, to absolutely zero response from the crowd. He looks confused, so Cole fills him in on Jericho’s earlier comments that have forever destroyed his catchphrase. Austin looks more pissed off than when he heard that Hogan was coming in, and storms off.

Undertaker VS The Rock

Taker stumbles out, groggy and bleeding from Maven’s assault. Looks like he’s forgotten his bike, which makes the crowd angry. He get sin the ring and collapses in the corner. Finkel announces The Rock, and his music hits…but nothing. Again, “from Miami Florida, THE ROCK!” And again, nothing. Everything’s quiet, and then all of a sudden, The Rock comes bolting through the crowd, in full Scorpion King regalia. Looks like he’s come straight from the movie set, and hasn’t had time to change. He picks up Taker and attempts to work a lockup, but Taker is about as able-bodied as Mankind after the second fall in the HITC match. Rock tries to stall by mugging to the crowd, but Taker is completely fucked.

Rock drags him in to the middle of the ring, and sets him up for the People’s Elbow. He connects, and the crowd goes nuts. He goes for he cover, and the ref counts: ONE, TWO…but he won’t drop the three, as someone wearing an nWo shirt is obviously supposed to intervene. Rock holds the pin for about a twenty count, and still, no run-in. The ref just shrugs, and The Rock rolls out of the ring in disgust. He tells Finkel “The Rock can’t work with this shit”, then takes the mike: “FINALLY, The Rock, is going to HOLLYWOOD! Fuck you all, marks!” He storms off, as Taker barely gets back on his feet. Maven runs down the aisle, chair in hand, being chased by Slaughter, the Hebners, and all the other WWF officials. Taker does his best to run away, but hasn’t got the energy. Maven batters the living shit out of him as the camera cuts backstage.

- Meanwhile, Shane is sitting in the locker room, looking at all the nWo paraphernalia plastered on the walls. “But I own WCW! The nWo is mine!” Dallas Page comes over to console him. “C’mon man, why don’t you go home to that piece of ass wife of yours?” Shane gets mad. “Fuck you Page, you’re fired!” and hits him with the tequila bottle. Page lies on the floor bleeding, while Shane looks at the bottle, and something sobers him from within. “I know what’ll make WCW win the war: there’s more than one Vince in this business…”

Unified WWF Title match:
Chris Jericho VS Stone Cold Steve Austin

Jericho’s pyro hits, and he’s barely in the ring when Austin jumps him with a chair and starts screaming something about royalties and merchandise, before nailing him with the chair about a million times and shouting “What?” repeatedly. The crowd want to chant “What?” with him, but since none of them wants to admit that they’re retards, faggots or paedophiles, they all chant “Ho-gan!” instead. Thus drives Austin insane, and he dives into the crowd and starts nailing anything moving with his chair, rambling about “Monday Nyquil” and ”Superstar Steve”. Then he sees a fan wearing a Jeff Jarrett shirt, and he almost explodes with rage.

Jericho climbs to his feet, bloodied and bruised, when Hollywood Hogan’s music hits, and the Immortal one heads for the ring wearing a pink boa, sunglasses and his pained beard, to a pretty good pop. Jericho suddenly gets horrific WCW flashbacks, and takes a swing at Hogan. But the Hulkster summons his chi and unleasehes the FINGERPOKE OF DOOM and lays Jericho to waste. He then takes the mike and announces his intention to run for President of the Thirty-second Moon of Hulkatron, before reminding us all to take our prayers and say our vitamins. JR and the King speculate as to Hulk’s senility, and we cut to the back.

- In the parking lot, the two limos are parked side by side. A horn is heard blaring, and a white hummer comes careering around the corner. It ploughs straight through the two limos, and then straight into a wall, grinding to a halt. The hood crumpled and smoke and oil pissing out, the door of the hummer swings open and Scott Hall falls out, as do several empty bottles of beer. He mutters a limp “H-hey…yo…” as we get the copyright ntice and the show fades to black.

Peace.
Jay Spree

Surprise surprise, the nWo guys’ first day at TV and they’re up to their old tricks. Hogan’s palling up to everyone, Nash is sitting in his dressing room scheming, and Hall is getting bladdered and insulting everyone in sight. “The biggest night in the history of our great sport” indeed……Ooh, PRIDE wants to book Mike Tyson AGAIN? To challenge the winner of their upcoming PPV, no less? The “biggest purse Mike Tyson has ever been offered?” Hmm……Actually, I WOULD pay good money to see Shamrock or Frye dismantle Tyson, but I don’t think it’s ever gonna happen. Eat a dick, Jackie Kallen……So Mutoh, Kojima and Ka Shin are officially All Japaners now. And I thought North American wrestling was changing……And it looks like Kaz Hayashi will be joining them……As predicted, Benoit is NOT happy about the nWo coming in. On Much Music, he out and out blamed them for destroying his chances in the company, and on Open Mike, he said much the same. I can’t wait to see Hogan-Benoit……Scott Steiner’s up for a part in Terminator 3???? THAT WOULD FUCKING RULE……Chyna’s up for a part in Terminator 3???? THAT WOULD FUCKING SUCK……Speaking of Chyna: “Oddly enough, I've always felt very secure with my body…Confident women who are proud and embrace themselves are rare.” Irony’s so ironic sometimes……According to X-Pac, the WWF is abandoning the Light Heavyweight Title when he comes back. Told you……I don’t know what’s funnier: Big Show actually going to a gym, or Big Show going to a gym with a fifty year-old with water retention and flabby pecs wearing a red bandanna and yellow wrestling boots……All Japan have been running the same Williams-Rotundo-Hines combination of gaijins for God knows how long, while New Japan have Rick Steiner, Chris Candido, Pat Tanaka (kinda), Giant Silva (kinda) and Mike Modest. Wow, those guys are all ex-WWFers……I’d say Chad Collyer, Josh Wilcox, AJ Styles and maybe Race Steele are top contenders for those WWF deals. Anyone that still doesn’t get how much the premise for Tough Enough sucks, think about the sixteen workers who have been busting their broke asses for years for the same chance that Maven and Nidia have unjustly “earned”……Oh yeah, to that asshole in GAME that’s so much of an expert on videogames that he thinks Atari’s “A-Cube” would’ve been a PS2-beater, and that Atari would’ve won with the Jaguar “if they’d only had virtual reality”, and tried to make out that he was so cool because he’d played RAW and said it would be the best wrestling game ever? RAW is WAR is SHIT. Noonch……Kevin Nash IS the smartest man in wrestling: as soon as his AOL deal is up, he immediately creates a bidding war between the WWF and WWA, jakcing up his price so he can ink a new one with the WWF. Then, once the old deal is up (earning him about half a million) and before the new one is even dry, he sets about suing AOL for royalties. Sorry Trip – your title’s gone, buddy……Sid’s suing AOL too? What, for being such a shit worker that he can’t even jump off the second turnbuckle without horrifically injuring himself?……Y’know, if someone told me this time last year that I could watch RAW and see Stephanie’s tits pop out, I’d have had such a big boner. Now? Sheesh – I see enough plastic on my shopping bags each week, thanks……And what the fuck was Vince doing staring at his daughter’s tits? If that’s the direction they’re taking the angle, I guess I really don’t “Get it”……So let’s see: The WWF signs Hogan, Nash, and Hall. The WWF gives us the slow build. The WWF compromises (read: sucks the dick of) DTV. I’d say they’re hanging an awful lot on the success of the nWo and this PPV……I don’t know about you guys, but where I come from, hearing a southern guy like JR talking about “pet coons” is pretty frigging offensive……That vignette on RAW? THAT’S why the WWF needs Mr Perfect. God bless you, Curt……Hardy Boyz……Hardy Boyz……Hardy B……