I just want to point out that I had EVERY intention of running an article last week. On at least three separate occasions, I actually found the time to sit down and write something. But the finished product – what started out as a rant on the oversensitivity towards the Un-Americans angle, and eventually became an all-out rant on knee-jerk post 9/11 hysteria – probably wouldn’t have proved too popular, given the predominantly American readership here.
With that idea out of the window (a shame really, since it was a really good piece of argumentative writing (something I dearly enjoy)), the only other thing I could come up with was a rant on the number of shoulder-to-the-turnbuckle bumps that we’re getting on shows these days. Which is kinda lame, and I couldn’t really stretch that out for a whole column anyway. But just for the record, we’re getting a minimum of two shoulder bumps a week (at least one per show, and oftentimes more, as they’re almost always used in the main event these days), and one of the few remaining “holy fucking ouch” spots left in the business is being completely raped. Stop doing the fucking spot, guys.
Yeah, that probably would’ve been one short column. Anyway, onto this week’s agenda…
THE FOOTBALL PLAYER WHO DEFIED AN EMPEROR
Y’know what’s really funny? Listening to self important assholes rant on like somebody cares what they’ve got to say. Hey, wait a minute…
Recently, there's been an interview posted over at BillGoldberg.com, conducted by former WCW writer Ross Forman. And OH BOY, what a Russo-esque piece of propaganda-come self-fellating misinformation it was. Hey, let’s quote from it liberally and make snide remarks at Goldberg’s expense!
Why PRIDE?
“I’ve always been a fan of Pride. I think it’s one of the foremost shoot-fighting organizations/competitions. So, to be a part of it, in any form, is an honor. I don’t see them asking any other pro wrestler to be involved, so that says something.”
Yes Bill, it DOES say something. It says that you’re a fucking idiot. “I don’t see them asking any other pro wrestler to be involved”? WHAT A FUCKING IMBECILE. I would have retorted “Has he even LOOKED at the PRIDE roster over the years?”, but that would be pretty frigging pointless, seeing as he obviously hasn’t. Christ, I bet he thinks the whole promotion’s on the straight up-and-up, too.
Why All-Japan?
“The moons were aligned correctly. I don’t necessarily need to be working 200 days a year, no matter what type of critical acclaim that could bring me, but, for many reasons, I don’t feel that’s for me.”
“Why PRIDE?” “Why All Japan?” Gee, I’m sensing a theme here. Forman’s really showing his dexterity as an interviewer. Whoops, nearly started bashing the wrong guy. COME GET SOME, MOTHERFUCKERS~! “I don’t necessarily need to be working 200 days a year, no matter what critical acclaim that could bring me, but, for many reasons, I don’t feel that’s for me.” Well, I’ll do the guy a favour and overlook the blatant redundancy in that sentence. Instead, I’ll focus on his other shortcomings. Like working 200 days a year. GEE, HEAVEN FORBID YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY EARN YOUR FUCKING MONEY LIKE THE REST OF US PAL. When was the last time your sorry ass worked 200 days? Not in WCW, that’s for sure. And listen buddy, you’re a pro wrestler, not a composer or filmmaker. Since when do wrestlers get “critical acclaim” from anybody? “Shitical acclaim” more like. The mainstream thinks wrestling’s a joke, and any compliment they make is inherently backhanded, so you can’t be referring to them. And the only critics of the wrestling world are smart marks. LIKE ME. So don’t be expecting any critical fucking acclaim from me, you poor-working, injury-causing, worthless piece of has been shit. Fuck off.
“Et Cetera – where the venom comes as standard!”
Time is rapidly approaching for your wrestling return. Your thoughts.
“It’s gonna be different and all I can say is, The Streak starts again! It’ll be great to get back in the ring and it’s an honor to wrestle in front of the Japanese people. I just feel sorry for whomever I’m wrestling.”
Um, okay, let’s start by playing the ‘how many times Bill can contradict himself in one sentence’ game: “It’s gonna be different… the streak starts again!” Jesus Christ, all that fucking money and not a dollar of it spent trying to improve his intellect. Remember when Thunder was airing those duelling quasi-shoot promos between him and Kevin Nash? Whatever they did or didn’t do for business, at least Nash came over like a funny guy who was at least contrite and could formulate a few coherent sentences. Goldberg was just all over the fucking place, mincing his words, mixing his metaphors, and generally coming off like a meathead with less personality than a plank of wood. “I just feel sorry for whoever I’m wrestling.” So do I Bill, so do I. Not to mention the poor bastards who have to watch it. Bret says hi, by the way.
Do you know anything about the Japanese wrestling style?
“Just what I’ve seen on tapes and what I’ve heard from other wrestlers. Since I’ve tried to pattern part of my style after the shoot-fighting world, I’m fairly familiar with what goes on over there.”
Okay, so on the one hand, he’s saying “Just what I’ve seen on tapes and heard from other wrestlers,” which translates as “Basically, I don’t know jack shit about Japanese wrestling,” and on the other he’s saying “I’m fairly familiar with what goes on over there.” Call it semantics, call it being a picky bastard just looking for excuses to bash someone, call it what you fucking like, cause I’m calling Bill Goldberg a fucking moron, and he is. This is a guy who has proven he hasn’t got even half a fucking clue about the Japanese scene – between his “no other pro-wrestlers in PRIDE” concept and his reason for choosing All Japan being “because the moons were aligned” as opposed to, say, the company’s great tradition – and now he’s got the gall to claim that he’s some kind of fucking authority. Did I mention how I REALLY HATE Bill Goldberg?
What about working within the U.S.?
"Hopefully I can prosper in other areas in the U.S. that will continue to somehow keep my marketability up, such as, my upcoming Warner-Brothers movie.”
Ahh, maybe THIS is where he’s expecting all this critical acclaim. Well sure, go ahead Bill and tell us about your little movie.
“[Back in Action is] a Warner-Brothers production, a Looney Tunes movie a la Roger Rabbit and Space Jam. I’m interacting throughout with animated characters.”
Ah yes, Space Jam. Well, that certainly was a movie. You know Bill, the idea is that when you rip offanother film, you rip off a GOOD ONE. Oh well, if that’s any indication of the critical acclaim you’re going to be receiving, all I can say is that you deserve it all, my friend. Let’s hope it can achieve the dizzying success of Universal Soldier 3 and Ready To Rumble.
And finally, a few words on the WWF.
You’ve been anti-WWE in the past. Why are you willing to talk with them now?
“Hey, it’s a business, so I definitely have to evaluate all avenues … and if everything’s right, it could be an option. However, there have to be a number of people in that equation who are happy, not just me.”
Could you envision being in the WWE ring by the end of the year?
“Sure, but then again, maybe not. It’s a very weird world.”
Yes Bill, and you’re a very weird guy. I don’t begrudge any man success is in this world, but you are so obviously undeserving and unworthy of it. Don’t you remember all those horrible things you used to say about the WWF, Bill? All those times you said you’d “NEVER wrestle for that company”? How you don’t believe in their product and you’d be “letting your fans down”? You’re just a hypocritical piece of shit, Bill Goldberg. Which in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. I might not believe in charity and handouts, but if I buy a guy a sandwich so he doesn’t starve to death, at least my being a hypocrite is justified. What about you, Bill? What are YOUR reasons for reneging on your principles?
MONEY, you sorry son of a bitch.
A man who stands for nothing falls for anything, dickface, and right now you’re falling flat on your fucking ass. It’s really interesting to see people with part-time principles like yourself who talk all this smack about this and that, only to make complete fucking idiots of themselves when they have to eat a big crumbly slice of shitty humble pie. You KNEW WCW was dead and Vince was the only game in town when you made all those comments. Even if you really did feel strongly against the organisation, you should’ve been smart enough to keep that shit to yourself so you didn’t look like a complete fucking imbecile when you start negotiating with them twelve months later. But now you just look like a tool, and deservedly so. “Hey, I’m Bill fucking Goldberg, I’m my own man, I don’t bend over for anyone, I’ll never work for the WWF – I’d sooner retire from the business than work there.” BULL FUCKING SHIT, YOU HAS BEEN.
While we’re at it, I want to pound you for some other shit you’ve said and done. Like the implication that Hall and Nash weren’t the ENTIRE fucking reason WCW ever turned the tide. “What about Ric Flair? What about Hulk Hogan? What about those guys?” Yeah, what the fuck about those guys? They were in WCW long before the Outsiders arrived, and they didn’t do shit. “Me and Hogan, 40,000 fans in the Georgia Dome. I don’t believe Kevin Nash was a part of that match.” Actually Bill, he was a very important part of that match. Because without Nash and Hall, there would be no nWo. No nWo, no Hollywood Hogan. No Hollywood Hogan, no big blowoff match with the next big thing (no, not him). You fail to see the bigger fucking picture. You also fail to see that, while that match and indeed your success may have been largely independent of Kevin Nash and Scott Hall, it took place almost entirely because of them. Because before they jumped, nobody gave half a fuck about WCW. You could’ve gone on the biggest winning streak of your life and – while I don’t doubt it would have been successful – the sheer numbers of the fanbase simply wouldn’t have been there to watch it. And the chances of you running the Georgia Dome with a washed-up babyface Hogan under those circumstances would have been rather more unlikely.
And what about those childish, pathetic, temper-tantrums you routinely throw, needle dick? If you’re not getting mad and punching out car windows, you’re getting grumpy and wailing on car gear boxes. What’s the matter Bill, flunked out of mechanic school? On both occasions, you seriously injured yourself. In the ring, you ended the career of one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, and left him with physical difficulties that still ail him. You’re a fucking liability to yourself and others, Bill Goldberg, and I for one hope your sorry ass never sets foot in a wrestling ring again. And if you do – after you’ve sold out all your “principles”, after you’ve spread your legs and whored yourself to the McMahon family the way you said you never would, all your old buddies like Nash will be waiting for you.
Have a good life Bill, you fucking twat.
Peace.
J$
